And she's back!

I have been hiding. Where you ask? In diet world. Yep, I went on 3 diets in 3 months. Did they work? Well, that depends on your version of work. It worked in a couple of ways.

1. My self esteem is back in the toilet.
2. I have been HUNGRY
3. I have lost my mind counting this or that.

So, now, I come running back to the world of intuitive eating. I have a different attitude and I am ready to work on it. But first, let's rewind back for a few months.

From April 07 until July of 07, I tried IE and didn't weigh myself. At the time, I thought that I was "doing it right". I was gaining weight and everyone reassured me that this was normal. One day, I went shopping and had to buy a size 16. A size 16. A place I swore that I would never be again. The very next day, I got on the scale. I had to know. I weighed 23 lbs higher than I had before I began IE. This was not acceptable. My wedding is coming up and my dress *had* to fit.

I joined weightwatchers the next morning. I started out AGAIN on the flex plan. That lasted about a week. Then on to the core plan. That lasted a little longer. And finally, I ended up counting calories. I was desperate to lose weight.

My therapist kept telling me to just try on the dress. For weeks I continued to diet and not try on the dress. Well, yesterday, as I was starving, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. I had some almonds, that shot me out of my calorie range, and tried on the dress. And guess what people, the damn thing fits. It fits. Of course, I will be purchasing some spanx, but it fits. I decided in that moment that I was done dieting. And I hope this time it is for good.

But this time will be different. I need to work slowly this time. I need to focus on what my body needs and not what my mind and mouth want. I need to learn to love my body as it is now. If I get smaller, that is great and if not, I have to love me anyway. I will eat out of hunger and forgive myself if I eat when I am not instead of binging. And I will work on not weighing myself. This will take time and I am not sure if I am willing to ever give it up completely. But, I can handle just once every two weeks. Maybe then once every month and so on. In the meantime, I will use the scale as information only. I won't let it determine how I feel about myself.

I once read that sometimes people go back to dieting once or twice before really getting it. I think I get it.