I want to go on a diet

Things have been pretty bad lately with work, wellness and, of course, food. At work, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in the right place. I am in a situation of being belittled, I am often put in moral and ethical compromises and my personal space is often invaded. This all makes me really really sad. A year ago, you could not have convinced me that I would rather be a people greeter at Walmart than work here. Now, I cry before, during and after work many days a week. I have no way to go except out. I have been submitting my resume to every company in the metro Richmond area, it seems. I have gotten a few calls but it appears that benefits are out these days. I can't have that.

Dealing with this in addition to my other "crap" has led me down the path of not taking care of myself on any front, really. I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating well and I haven't been taking time out just for me. Ever since my doctor told me to go on the low fat diet, I have been eating horribly. Grease, Sugar and Lattes. That has been my motto for the past couple of weeks. I clearly have not been listening to my body; I have been listening to the food rebel.

As a result, I am gaining weight. I don't know how much because I haven't the heart to get on the scale. But I know it is going up because I have been buying some size 14 clothes again and if I do the math, I know what that means about "the number". This sends me into a frenzy, I want to go on a diet. I don't know which one but I know that I have the racing feeling inside that I must get the weight off. I am so worried that my wedding dress is going to be too small. I think I am also looking for some sense of control in this crazy world I am living in.

Being the logical person I am, I know that this isn't the right choice. I know that going on a diet will not solve any of my problems, in life or with food. If I go back to the diet/binge cycle, I am just going to undo all of the work I have done with IE. BUT, Holy mother of nature, I can't get fat again. I can't. Being fat again means so much in my mind. First and foremost that I am a failure with food to myself and to everyone around me. I don't know how I would even look at myself in the mirror. These feelings are scary and I am not sure how to deal with them.

I don't want to be fat.

Checking In

I just thought I would check in. Life has been busy and crazy these days but I am doing OK. I was at a conference for work last week and before that, I was of course prepping for it. I also had a physical, it was discovered that I have high cholesterol. I was told to go on a low fat diet and take meds. This had me really discouraged for a bit on the IE front, it felt like I was being punished for not being on a diet. I am doing better with it now but I seem to keep having "one last time" eating episodes. I guess it is going to be a new process for me. The meds are making my heartburn horrible. I think I am going to have to stop taking them, I have a call in to my doctor to figure it out.

On the therapy front, I have my first session this Wednesday. I am a bit nervous about it but the therapist and I seemed to really connect on the phone. I know that I am taking the right step, I just hope that I can find the right therapist and really get some of this emotional garbage out of the way. I will keep you all updated!

Therapy

After much consideration, I have decided that I need therapy. My brother passed away at the age of 25 almost 3 years ago and since then I have been considering it. Now that I am on this journey of IE, I have uncovered so much emotional garbage that I don't think I can go it alone anymore. I have come to so many realizations about myself and my eating but realizing it just isn't enough. I have to do something about it to. I always thought that only crazy people went to therapy, so it felt shameful to even think that I needed it. But being in this wonderful community of bloggers and other IE'ers has helped me realize that therapy is not just for crazy people. It is for people who are strong enough to know that life isn't easy and sometimes we can't go it alone.

Hello, my name is Christie and I can't do this without help.