Things have been pretty bad lately with work, wellness and, of course, food. At work, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in the right place. I am in a situation of being belittled, I am often put in moral and ethical compromises and my personal space is often invaded. This all makes me really really sad. A year ago, you could not have convinced me that I would rather be a people greeter at Walmart than work here. Now, I cry before, during and after work many days a week. I have no way to go except out. I have been submitting my resume to every company in the metro Richmond area, it seems. I have gotten a few calls but it appears that benefits are out these days. I can't have that.
Dealing with this in addition to my other "crap" has led me down the path of not taking care of myself on any front, really. I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating well and I haven't been taking time out just for me. Ever since my doctor told me to go on the low fat diet, I have been eating horribly. Grease, Sugar and Lattes. That has been my motto for the past couple of weeks. I clearly have not been listening to my body; I have been listening to the food rebel.
As a result, I am gaining weight. I don't know how much because I haven't the heart to get on the scale. But I know it is going up because I have been buying some size 14 clothes again and if I do the math, I know what that means about "the number". This sends me into a frenzy, I want to go on a diet. I don't know which one but I know that I have the racing feeling inside that I must get the weight off. I am so worried that my wedding dress is going to be too small. I think I am also looking for some sense of control in this crazy world I am living in.
Being the logical person I am, I know that this isn't the right choice. I know that going on a diet will not solve any of my problems, in life or with food. If I go back to the diet/binge cycle, I am just going to undo all of the work I have done with IE. BUT, Holy mother of nature, I can't get fat again. I can't. Being fat again means so much in my mind. First and foremost that I am a failure with food to myself and to everyone around me. I don't know how I would even look at myself in the mirror. These feelings are scary and I am not sure how to deal with them.
I don't want to be fat.
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7 comments:
wow, C, I can really hear you on this one.
And I want to offer a few things:
1. the further along I get into real recovery (meaning, to me, not just looking at eating stuff but the whole picture through counseling) the more the "work in progress" weight gain is subsiding, even coming off a little. So I do believe that it's not a one-way street.
2. the other thing that I learned (and I'm aware this might raise the neck hairs on IE-ers, so feel free to tell me that it's out of line around here) is that just because I'm eating what I want doesn't mean I have to eat crap all day. And no, I don't mean that our bodies don't naturally crave good stuff following IE. I just mean that when I first started this I thought that anything that reminded me of "diet food" was now off limits to me, because how could I authentically want it? And what I've figured out is that there are many "lighter" foods that I feel really good on when I'm eating. I also learned that I can get a bit of junk each day and feel good--that no, I don't have to cut it out completely--but I don't have to eat it exclusively either.
What am I trying to say anyway? (hmm, lost myself a bit!) I guess that you are still allowed to use the information you know about healthy diets (as in ways of eating and living) even though you're listening to your body now. That our bodies evolved to make healthy choices in a world that wasn't peppered with starbucks and greasy joints.
I hope that made some sense and didn't do you harm.
I truly believe that relaxing into this can help. I also believe that with what you're putting up with at work, you really *deserve* (you always do) to eat food that helps you feel well and exercise.
lots of love (and confusing half-formed thoughts),
ae
C, this is the exact same spot I am in right now. I wish I had some words of advice. I'm getting to my magic #, too--I just know it because of my clothes (we don't have a scale). I've been on and off a few diets in the last week, all to end up in shame and embarassment. Plus, still no job--I have no sense of worth. It's like the fat just makes things even worse.
I look at pics of me back when I was thinner and then I get all psyched to go on a diet. But then I see the reality--i've lost it TWICE and gained it back TWICE. I've been obsessed with diets in the past week--OBSESSED!!!Why do the same thing again just to have it come back and then be disappointed and miserable. There's GOT to be more out there, ya know? I don't know what. This has been the most difficult summer of my life.
I'm so sorry about your job. Email me if you want to vent.
Hugs.
As an IE-er, I agree with ae that IE doesn't mean that you have to eat crap all day. I eat lots of healthy food. But it didn't work for me when I tried to force myself to chose the healthy food. I had to give myself permission to eat whatever I wanted before I started to want the healthy stuff. I'm wondering if your doctor telling you that you need to be on a low fat diet brought this on for you. It seems like you are in the binge part of the diet/binge cycle. Perhaps you are rebelling over the thought that you HAVE to be on a diet for health reasons?
I have avoided the blogs for a week because I was avoiding life, and dealing with emotions. As I read through the many blogs tonight I am struck by, as of late, how many of us are struggling with our size/image. It is nice to know I am not alone -best would be if none of us were in this situation but it is still nice to know we are not alone.
I wish I had words of advice for you but all I can say is hang in there...I am going to (I wanted to add the word try to the end but I know I need to speak positively)
I also agree that IE doesn't mean you won't want healthy food, but other than that i do not know what to say--just remember that we are all here for you!
hi,
I don't know if I've ever posted here before, but I've been reading your blog for a while.
I really understand where you are coming from, honest, but i thought I'd step out of the shadows to say "hold on". I've been really interested (dare I write "inspired" on a stranger's blog?) in your approach. I guess you have to keep telling yourself that it is the being happy that is the important thing, and living a happiness sustaining life that is the goal. and you know that dieting isn't that, quite the opposite. You're on it for the long run, for the happy deserving future and not the quick high, and long low of dieting.
hi I'm hayely by the way...
h.x
HI - I'm glad I found your blog...
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