It's Moving Day

I've decided to take my blogging in a new direction. Please visit my new blog by clicking here.

Look forward to hearing from you on the new blog!

And she's back!

I have been hiding. Where you ask? In diet world. Yep, I went on 3 diets in 3 months. Did they work? Well, that depends on your version of work. It worked in a couple of ways.

1. My self esteem is back in the toilet.
2. I have been HUNGRY
3. I have lost my mind counting this or that.

So, now, I come running back to the world of intuitive eating. I have a different attitude and I am ready to work on it. But first, let's rewind back for a few months.

From April 07 until July of 07, I tried IE and didn't weigh myself. At the time, I thought that I was "doing it right". I was gaining weight and everyone reassured me that this was normal. One day, I went shopping and had to buy a size 16. A size 16. A place I swore that I would never be again. The very next day, I got on the scale. I had to know. I weighed 23 lbs higher than I had before I began IE. This was not acceptable. My wedding is coming up and my dress *had* to fit.

I joined weightwatchers the next morning. I started out AGAIN on the flex plan. That lasted about a week. Then on to the core plan. That lasted a little longer. And finally, I ended up counting calories. I was desperate to lose weight.

My therapist kept telling me to just try on the dress. For weeks I continued to diet and not try on the dress. Well, yesterday, as I was starving, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. I had some almonds, that shot me out of my calorie range, and tried on the dress. And guess what people, the damn thing fits. It fits. Of course, I will be purchasing some spanx, but it fits. I decided in that moment that I was done dieting. And I hope this time it is for good.

But this time will be different. I need to work slowly this time. I need to focus on what my body needs and not what my mind and mouth want. I need to learn to love my body as it is now. If I get smaller, that is great and if not, I have to love me anyway. I will eat out of hunger and forgive myself if I eat when I am not instead of binging. And I will work on not weighing myself. This will take time and I am not sure if I am willing to ever give it up completely. But, I can handle just once every two weeks. Maybe then once every month and so on. In the meantime, I will use the scale as information only. I won't let it determine how I feel about myself.

I once read that sometimes people go back to dieting once or twice before really getting it. I think I get it.

I am still alive

Just wanted to pop in and say that I am still alive. I have been going through so much that I haven't really had the energy to post. I got a new job (yay!), I went on vacation and I am in some sort of weird food/body image funk. So, I am taking a break from blogging for a bit. I hope to be back in the swing of things soon. I will see you all on your own blogs, I am sure.

{{{HUGS}}}

Feeling better

I am feeling much better than I was the last time I posted. Today, I am feeling good about the choices I have been making and the things I have been doing. I have been eating foods that make my body feel it's best, I have been exercising regularly and I have been on one interview and have another scheduled in a couple of days. All of these things combined have made me feel better.

The feeling of wanting to go on a diet is pretty much gone. Last week, I made up my mind that I would start to loosely follow the principles of Dr. Oz again. I remember that when I followed his ideas, I felt like a million bucks. And I think that deciding to feel like a million bucks again can't be a bad thing. I am sure most of you are thinking that I have fallen off of my IE rocker but really I haven't. I think that feeding my body the foods that make me feel good on the inside and out is the right choice whether some guy has written a book about it or not. I am also taking a non diet approach.

You see, after my bought with the grease, sugar and lattes, I was feeling really terrible. No energy, lack of desire to do anything except sleep and eat and most of all, my clothes were getting tighter. No matter which way I looked at it, I didn't feel good. I had to do something. After a conversation with Monica, I realized that the all or nothing mentality was running wild in my brain again. I had made up my mind that I was going on a diet and that I wasn't going to allow myself this or that anymore. After we chatted, I knew that the all or nothing approach was not the right one. Baby steps.

So, I started cutting out the things that were making me feel terrible. I had been paying attention to how I was feeling after certain foods. I noticed that after eating a piece of lemon pound cake, I crashed a few hours later and headed straight for a sugar laden latte to bring me back up again. A viscous cycle. I also started to think about my cholesterol and my overall health. After much thought, I realized that I have done the work of making chocolate cake legal again. I am doing the emotional work that needs to be done (loving my therapist, btw). Now, I want to feel good again. I want my body to feel healthy and strong. I want to be healthy and so now, I am stepping into the world of gentle nutrition.

Now lets get back to that Dr. Oz thing. A number of people have mentioned that taking the information I learned when I was a "dieter" and turning it into useful information today is not a bad thing. As I mentioned before, when I followed the Dr. oz principles, I felt great and knowing that is my prize. I know what I need to do to make my body feel good but I don't have to be on a "diet" to do it. I can still eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I am in charge, not Dr. Oz and varying from his "rules" isn't the end of the world.

I was just telling Mike that I am feeling really great about my food and exercise choices over the past week or so. He responded by saying "even the pizza". Yep. Even the pizza because there are no rules.

I want to go on a diet

Things have been pretty bad lately with work, wellness and, of course, food. At work, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in the right place. I am in a situation of being belittled, I am often put in moral and ethical compromises and my personal space is often invaded. This all makes me really really sad. A year ago, you could not have convinced me that I would rather be a people greeter at Walmart than work here. Now, I cry before, during and after work many days a week. I have no way to go except out. I have been submitting my resume to every company in the metro Richmond area, it seems. I have gotten a few calls but it appears that benefits are out these days. I can't have that.

Dealing with this in addition to my other "crap" has led me down the path of not taking care of myself on any front, really. I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating well and I haven't been taking time out just for me. Ever since my doctor told me to go on the low fat diet, I have been eating horribly. Grease, Sugar and Lattes. That has been my motto for the past couple of weeks. I clearly have not been listening to my body; I have been listening to the food rebel.

As a result, I am gaining weight. I don't know how much because I haven't the heart to get on the scale. But I know it is going up because I have been buying some size 14 clothes again and if I do the math, I know what that means about "the number". This sends me into a frenzy, I want to go on a diet. I don't know which one but I know that I have the racing feeling inside that I must get the weight off. I am so worried that my wedding dress is going to be too small. I think I am also looking for some sense of control in this crazy world I am living in.

Being the logical person I am, I know that this isn't the right choice. I know that going on a diet will not solve any of my problems, in life or with food. If I go back to the diet/binge cycle, I am just going to undo all of the work I have done with IE. BUT, Holy mother of nature, I can't get fat again. I can't. Being fat again means so much in my mind. First and foremost that I am a failure with food to myself and to everyone around me. I don't know how I would even look at myself in the mirror. These feelings are scary and I am not sure how to deal with them.

I don't want to be fat.

Checking In

I just thought I would check in. Life has been busy and crazy these days but I am doing OK. I was at a conference for work last week and before that, I was of course prepping for it. I also had a physical, it was discovered that I have high cholesterol. I was told to go on a low fat diet and take meds. This had me really discouraged for a bit on the IE front, it felt like I was being punished for not being on a diet. I am doing better with it now but I seem to keep having "one last time" eating episodes. I guess it is going to be a new process for me. The meds are making my heartburn horrible. I think I am going to have to stop taking them, I have a call in to my doctor to figure it out.

On the therapy front, I have my first session this Wednesday. I am a bit nervous about it but the therapist and I seemed to really connect on the phone. I know that I am taking the right step, I just hope that I can find the right therapist and really get some of this emotional garbage out of the way. I will keep you all updated!

Therapy

After much consideration, I have decided that I need therapy. My brother passed away at the age of 25 almost 3 years ago and since then I have been considering it. Now that I am on this journey of IE, I have uncovered so much emotional garbage that I don't think I can go it alone anymore. I have come to so many realizations about myself and my eating but realizing it just isn't enough. I have to do something about it to. I always thought that only crazy people went to therapy, so it felt shameful to even think that I needed it. But being in this wonderful community of bloggers and other IE'ers has helped me realize that therapy is not just for crazy people. It is for people who are strong enough to know that life isn't easy and sometimes we can't go it alone.

Hello, my name is Christie and I can't do this without help.