Beef, it's what's for lunch.

Yesterday, after a year and half without beef, chicken or pork, I ate a cheeseburger for lunch. I have been craving meat for a really long time. I tried to convince myself that I really didn't need meat. No matter what I ate, the cravings did not go away. Finally, yesterday, I realized what was going on with me. Rewind a year and a half....

I decided to give up meat after pondering it for a couple of weeks. I convinced myself that it was for "health" reasons. I knew a few vegetarians, oddly enough, they were all very thin. Hmmmm. That makes ya wonder doesn't it. So, now lets fast forward back to a couple of months ago. I was reading the IE book and they mentioned that some people give up meat to lose weight under the umbrella of it being for health reasons. I had no idea that the book meant me. Until yesterday. The thought had crossed my mind on a number of occasions but I blew off those thoughts because I would have never been that desperate to lose weight. Or would I?

Yesterday, when I bit into that cheeseburger, I realized that I was, in fact, that desperate to lose weight. I can't describe the sense of relief that my body felt. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me, like I was done pretending. I felt enlightened; I was just ignoring what my body was telling me for "health" reasons. I had been trying to figure out for the past few weeks what forbidden food I had been forgetting about. Who would have thought, it was cheeseburgers?

Today, I feel like my list of forbidden foods is complete; slowly but surely I worked my way through it. I feel free to eat whatever in the h*ll I want.

Including the pepperoni and sausage pizza I had for dinner.

This is a victory

This weekend was hard. After my face stuffing retreat, I came home on Saturday to find that the only jeans that fit me were my fat jeans. And as life goes, they were dirty. So, I had two options, go to the grocery store with business casual clothes or running pants and a t-shirt. I chose the running pants and t-shirt. I guess I fooled everyone at the grocery store into thinking I had just worked out and was in dire need of replenishment. Meanwhile, I felt frumpy and fat.

And on went the weekend. My diet mentality raced around chastising me for wearing gym clothes to the grocery store because my fat clothes were dirty. Can you believe that I even considered joining WW again and doing the flex plan? The thought of counting points is so vile to my mind that I really can't even believe that it felt like a logical choice for even a moment. But it did. Now, being the logical person that I am, I realized that this means something must change.

And as if she somehow knew, Monica came to my rescue.

This morning we chatted about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and some possible solutions. She told me a story about her own journey with IE that made so much click in my brain. All of a sudden, I realized that I have to stop this fear I have OF MYSELF. I also have to stop thinking in terms of how other people go about their journeys and instead I have to focus on making this way of life my own. And most importantly, I have to recognize how far I have come.

Throughout our conversation, she told me that she thought this or that was great. Things that I knew deep down in side were great but I hadn't brought those things to the forefront of my mind. Like for example, I have started to exercise on a regular basis. I have discovered that I love taking walks with Mike and that I also like training on weights with him. And though we both royally suck at it, I also like taking dance classes with him. I have forgiven myself for giving up running. My joints can't do it, it hurts. Walking doesn't. So, I walk and dance :) I have also stopped eating cherries in my cereal. Why? Because I don't like how the frozen cherries are hard to chew and make the cereal experience less joyful. I always thought I liked them in my cereal. Maybe once I did but not anymore. So, guess what fruit serving, you aren't getting in by way of frozen cherries in my cereal. Oh yeah, and another thing, chocolate cake really is good but just a couple of bites will do the trick, even if right out of the pan.

This conversation helped me in such a profound way. It is so important to recognize the positive things and stop focusing on the negative things. Everyone needs a Monica.

Oh yeah, I also decided that I am going to start setting specific goals to focus on. This week, I am really going to work on chewing. I am also going to start trying to take smaller portions of certain foods that don't seem to register satiety with me, like cereal and pasta. I am going to try measuring out a small amount and then going back for more if I need it.

And if you are still reading, you get a gold star.

Triggers

I had a binge of sorts yesterday and a minor run in with some thin mint girl scout cookies on Saturday. The good news is that I am aware of why both happened.

On Saturday, we went to visit my family because my little sister was going to her Senior Prom. What a happy time in a girls life, well except the spazmatic episode of applying prom worthy make up. This episode had me pacing and wanting to claw out my own eyes. I searched the fridge and the freezer for something to sooth me. And to my delight, there was a brand new box of girl scout cookies in the freezer. The best way to eat them, of course. And eat them I did. Between my dad and I, we polished off a sleeve of them, I think. My the time I was done, the make up was applied and all was right in prom land again.

Yesterday, I woke up with horrible, incurable heartburn. My symptoms have been worse when my stomach is empty, I have come to learn. So, I ate my breakfast and but that didn't do the trick as it normally does. So, after about an hour or so passed, I thought maybe I did not eat enough. So, I decided to have a snack even though I wasn't really hungry. I ate some brown bread with hummus and a graham cracker with nutella. I was stuffed when I was done. My symptoms were milder, but still there. So, I drank so ginger ale. They went away for a bit but came back. So what did I do? I ate more brown bread and hummus and a yogurt.

On both occasions, I was aware that I was ignoring my hunger signals and eating for sheer comfort. Saturday, it was stress and yesterday it was being sick. And so what, really. I was at least aware that I was eating for other reasons, I recognized the feelings and now I am moving on. I think that this part of the process is just as important as anything else.

Recognizing Triggers is a very good thing.

Two things....

There are actually three, but I am running short on time and will post about the third later. The first is a victory for me!! The second, in an odd strange way (positive self talk) is too.

First, I did not weigh myself this morning. I repeat, I did not weigh myself this morning. On Monday, when I was feeling pretty dumpy about my body and my food intake on my vacation, I did not weigh because I did not want to beat myself up any further. I told myself, that if "necessary", I would weigh on Friday. Well, this morning, I realized that no matter what the scale says, my clothes are fitting better than they were on Monday and I feel pretty good, so why bother with that stupid number? No need too, as I saw it.

Secondly, I ate to a 10 last night :( The strangest thing happened, I was making one of my favorite meals, BBQ Tofu Pizza and roasted broccoli, and I was pretty hungry. For some reason, I had been insatiable all afternoon. So, as I browned the tofu in the pan, I nibbled on a few pieces and I drank some ginger ale. Well, low and behold, once dinner was ready, I said to Mike, "I don't think I am hungry". And then it happened. The mind games began, I had the Intuitive Eater on one shoulder and the Dieter on the other. The Dieter won and this is how it happened:

IE: I'm not hungry anymore
Dieter: But it is dinner time, you are allowed to eat so you have to
IE: But really, I don't think I am hungry
Dieter: Yes, yes you are

So, I pick up the plate and take a few bites

IE: Yeah, I am pretty sure I am not hungry
Dieter: But what if you get hungry in 30 minutes
IE: I will just eat in 30 minutes
Dieter: But it is dinner time now and you and Mike have things to do. If you don't eat now, you won't be able to

So, I pick up the plate and almost polish it off. Now, it really was not a large serving by any stretch of the imagination but I wasn't hungry. By the time I was done, I was stuffed and bloated. I felt like carp. I can't believe that I used to eat this way at pretty much every meal of every day. I actually went to sleep. My body was not up for anything except digesting all of the food I had stuffed into it. The plans that Mike and I had, shot to hell, I was asleep.

So, the lesson is this: LISTEN TO MY BODY, there will always be more food. I mean come on, I must be the biggest foodie on the planet. I will never let the cupboards be bare or the fridge be empty. And Mike, he would never let me be hungry, he doesn't like the evil demon that appears when I am starving even if we did have plans.

3/4 of a bread stick?

One of my favorite foods is Italian. Love it. Could eat it every meal of every day. But, in my previous diet life, I avoided Italian restaurants like the plague. Too much bread, pasta and fabulous salad dressing. Had I gone to an Italian place in my diet life, I would have been "off the wagon", of course. And of course, I would have eaten the entire bread basket, a "fattening" salad, my entire meal and dessert. I would have left feeling like I needed my stomach pumped and that a nap was in my very near future.

Oh my, how times have changed.

Yesterday, Mike, my dear fiance and I went to eat at an Italian place for lunch! I was excited and ready to listen to my body for this fabulous meal. I ordered my favorite dish from the menu, mushroom stuffed ravioli, instead of what I perceived to be the healthiest thing to order. So, along came the salad and the bread, probably my favorite part. Can I just say that I ate the salad without touching the bread? I once again ate slowly, enjoying every bite and I didn't avoid the croutons. Once I finished the salad, I patiently waited for my meal to come. I did not gobble down bread until the basket was clean. Let me say it again, I did not gobble down bread until the basket was clean.

So, my meal arrived and it looked divine. With the meal, I did have bread and each and every bite of my lunch was enjoyed. I must say, it was very pleasurable. Once I decided that I was satisfied, I put my napkin in my plate and noticed something that was astonishing to my eyes. There was 1/4 of the bread stick left.

This was a life changing moment for me. Can I really walk out of an Italian restaurant not feeling stuffed? Can I really just eat 3/4 of a bread stick?


Why, yes, yes I can :)