This is a victory

This weekend was hard. After my face stuffing retreat, I came home on Saturday to find that the only jeans that fit me were my fat jeans. And as life goes, they were dirty. So, I had two options, go to the grocery store with business casual clothes or running pants and a t-shirt. I chose the running pants and t-shirt. I guess I fooled everyone at the grocery store into thinking I had just worked out and was in dire need of replenishment. Meanwhile, I felt frumpy and fat.

And on went the weekend. My diet mentality raced around chastising me for wearing gym clothes to the grocery store because my fat clothes were dirty. Can you believe that I even considered joining WW again and doing the flex plan? The thought of counting points is so vile to my mind that I really can't even believe that it felt like a logical choice for even a moment. But it did. Now, being the logical person that I am, I realized that this means something must change.

And as if she somehow knew, Monica came to my rescue.

This morning we chatted about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and some possible solutions. She told me a story about her own journey with IE that made so much click in my brain. All of a sudden, I realized that I have to stop this fear I have OF MYSELF. I also have to stop thinking in terms of how other people go about their journeys and instead I have to focus on making this way of life my own. And most importantly, I have to recognize how far I have come.

Throughout our conversation, she told me that she thought this or that was great. Things that I knew deep down in side were great but I hadn't brought those things to the forefront of my mind. Like for example, I have started to exercise on a regular basis. I have discovered that I love taking walks with Mike and that I also like training on weights with him. And though we both royally suck at it, I also like taking dance classes with him. I have forgiven myself for giving up running. My joints can't do it, it hurts. Walking doesn't. So, I walk and dance :) I have also stopped eating cherries in my cereal. Why? Because I don't like how the frozen cherries are hard to chew and make the cereal experience less joyful. I always thought I liked them in my cereal. Maybe once I did but not anymore. So, guess what fruit serving, you aren't getting in by way of frozen cherries in my cereal. Oh yeah, and another thing, chocolate cake really is good but just a couple of bites will do the trick, even if right out of the pan.

This conversation helped me in such a profound way. It is so important to recognize the positive things and stop focusing on the negative things. Everyone needs a Monica.

Oh yeah, I also decided that I am going to start setting specific goals to focus on. This week, I am really going to work on chewing. I am also going to start trying to take smaller portions of certain foods that don't seem to register satiety with me, like cereal and pasta. I am going to try measuring out a small amount and then going back for more if I need it.

And if you are still reading, you get a gold star.

And so I began

Though I didn't have my copy of Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA yet, I had read lots of articles and had a number of discussions with my friend. So, I tried my best to incorporate what I knew into my day yesterday. I think I did pretty well. I actually went to the health food store last night an eyed all of the goodies, thinking that if I really wanted it, I could really have it. I looked at Thai dumplings, organic cookies and even the fruits and vegetables. Nothing really jumped out at me and said "Eat Me", to my surprise of course. I was content with what was on the menu for dinner when I got home: Whole Wheat roasted veggie pizza and kale sauteed in olive oil.

I was delighted to find my copy of the book waiting for me when I arrived home. As soon as I saw the box, I was excited, I began reading it right after dinner. The dinner I ate intuitively, I think. :)

Reading the first couple of chapters brings about some fears but also a sense of relief. It talks about eating whatever I want, as long as I am hungry and stop at satisfied, of course. The thought of eating whatever I want really scares me. It goes on to say that in the first stage of intuitive eating, I may eat a lot of unhealthy food but that I should really focus on how the foods make me feel. After a while, my body will crave the healthy food. Which, I can thankfully say, it really does crave healthy food a good portion of the time. The thought of eating pizza anytime I really want it is scary; will I ever get to a place that pizza, ice cream and chocolate cake only cross my mind rarely?

It also says that I need to really focus on what I want to eat, that I should think about the sensations that all sorts of food will provide and choose what sounds the best. This is supposed to help me really determine if I am hungry for food or for something else, like stress relief or comfort. This thought also scares me a bit. Getting in touch with the emotions that bring about my unhealthy eating habits seems like a daunting task. I am happy to report that most recently, I have been tackling my biggest food fight. Stress. Oh, it seems to be ever so abundant in my life right now. I have been learning to take time out from my hectic schedule for some much needed me time. I have even been reading, EVERYDAY. Everyday. I haven't read every day in years. I am also finding much relief in long walks with my dear fiance and long hot baths as often as possible.

Though I have these fears, I feel empowered. So empowered that I ate my cereal out of a teeny tiny bowl this morning. ;)