Where have I been?

Since my last post, I haven't really felt compelled to write on my blog. Probably because after my last post, I have been having a daily battle with nutella and bread. Coming to terms with my past isn't easy. I haven't been sure where to turn. I can feel that the troubles of daily life are still just a mask for my deeper more hidden issues. And as a result, I haven't been eating for hunger, especially in the evenings. I have been cramming down the nutella and bread, my biggest forbidden foods, for comfort. On the bright side of that, at least I was aware of what I was doing and I never really had the feeling of being stuffed.

Each night, before my illicit affair with the nutella and bread, I have been sitting with my feelings. I haven't been able to identify them exactly. My feelings seem mixed up and chaotic, an odd mix of sadness, happiness, excitement and fear. A few times this past week, I felt rage and anger against this or that. At work, I have been having a horrendous time and last Friday I was almost to the point of walking out. Why? Because of what appears to be a complete lack of respect for me and my personal space from my boss. I wonder, does this fight for respect in my professional life have anything to do with the lack of respect I suffered as a child and teenager? Probably. I wonder, why can't I be one of those people that just let it slide? Why can't I be the one to just kill them with kindness? Grin and Bear it?

The good news is that my boss and I worked out our problems and came to some compromises about my complaints. I have a better overall feeling about working here and working for him. I hope that it does get better because I am not sure how I can go on dealing with all of this emotion at once. I want the healing of my heart and soul to begin. I think that I am on my way, I just have to work through it.

And one day, I will eat nutella and bread for breakfast because it sounds good.

The Emotions of IE

Most recently, I started to journal my thoughts, feelings, hunger level and food. I only did it for about a day and a half before breaking down. I started the journal this past Thursday and by Friday lunch, I was a broken child hidden in the corner.

For a long time, I had myself convinced that I hadn't been stuffing my emotions down with food all of these years. I recently realized that there were triggers for eating too much but I never realized that there was some deep down sh*t triggering my triggers. I never thought I had *those* problems. Today, I know that I have been stuffing it all down, the shame, the guilt, the hatred, the resentment, all of it.

Of course, I haven't gone through my adult life oblivious to the fact that I have made mistakes and that people have stolen parts of my soul. But what I have done is mask all of that with cynicism and a poor pitiful me act. And without knowing it, thinking I was eating the stresses of the day away, what I was really doing was cramming all of the "bad" stuff further and further into my heart and mind. Because of that, I have rolls, folds, lumps and bumps that have come to be my shield.

Throughout this journey, I have wondered: Why is IE so damn hard? Why do people make comments about IE, like, "I can't do that, I would intuitively eat 300 warm cookies"? Why is it so easy to just eat the chocolate?

Because of the emotions. That is why. And that is why diets don't work.

Had I decided that the flex plan was the right thing to do last week, I would have never faced the demons of my mind like I did this weekend. I would have never chosen the spiral bound notebook because I needed all of that paper over the pretty leather bound journal. I would have never said the words, cried the tears and fought the desire to eat the warm cookies instead. I would have never faced it because I would have pointed out the ice cream without a second thought.

All of this will give me my life back.