Since my last post, I haven't really felt compelled to write on my blog. Probably because after my last post, I have been having a daily battle with nutella and bread. Coming to terms with my past isn't easy. I haven't been sure where to turn. I can feel that the troubles of daily life are still just a mask for my deeper more hidden issues. And as a result, I haven't been eating for hunger, especially in the evenings. I have been cramming down the nutella and bread, my biggest forbidden foods, for comfort. On the bright side of that, at least I was aware of what I was doing and I never really had the feeling of being stuffed.
Each night, before my illicit affair with the nutella and bread, I have been sitting with my feelings. I haven't been able to identify them exactly. My feelings seem mixed up and chaotic, an odd mix of sadness, happiness, excitement and fear. A few times this past week, I felt rage and anger against this or that. At work, I have been having a horrendous time and last Friday I was almost to the point of walking out. Why? Because of what appears to be a complete lack of respect for me and my personal space from my boss. I wonder, does this fight for respect in my professional life have anything to do with the lack of respect I suffered as a child and teenager? Probably. I wonder, why can't I be one of those people that just let it slide? Why can't I be the one to just kill them with kindness? Grin and Bear it?
The good news is that my boss and I worked out our problems and came to some compromises about my complaints. I have a better overall feeling about working here and working for him. I hope that it does get better because I am not sure how I can go on dealing with all of this emotion at once. I want the healing of my heart and soul to begin. I think that I am on my way, I just have to work through it.
And one day, I will eat nutella and bread for breakfast because it sounds good.
Each night, before my illicit affair with the nutella and bread, I have been sitting with my feelings. I haven't been able to identify them exactly. My feelings seem mixed up and chaotic, an odd mix of sadness, happiness, excitement and fear. A few times this past week, I felt rage and anger against this or that. At work, I have been having a horrendous time and last Friday I was almost to the point of walking out. Why? Because of what appears to be a complete lack of respect for me and my personal space from my boss. I wonder, does this fight for respect in my professional life have anything to do with the lack of respect I suffered as a child and teenager? Probably. I wonder, why can't I be one of those people that just let it slide? Why can't I be the one to just kill them with kindness? Grin and Bear it?
The good news is that my boss and I worked out our problems and came to some compromises about my complaints. I have a better overall feeling about working here and working for him. I hope that it does get better because I am not sure how I can go on dealing with all of this emotion at once. I want the healing of my heart and soul to begin. I think that I am on my way, I just have to work through it.
And one day, I will eat nutella and bread for breakfast because it sounds good.
3 comments:
Hi C! Back from vacation and am catching up with everyone's blogs. Wonderful to see a new post from you! Looking forward to more! ;-) Sounds like you've had some good revelations. Keep up the great work and remember to be kind to yourself!
I just wanted to say that you are doing great with this whole IE thing! I had my battles with chips & dip and cheese & crackers. Keep looking on the bright side, and you will reach the point in which you eat nutella and bread for breakfast just because it sounds good.
Hey chica,
I'm glad you're working out the issues with your boss. I'm also glad that you're aware that sometime in the future you WILL be eating nutella with bread just for a lovely breakfast and it won't always be fuel for your emotional eating fire. Because you CAN do this :)
Monica
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