And she's back!

I have been hiding. Where you ask? In diet world. Yep, I went on 3 diets in 3 months. Did they work? Well, that depends on your version of work. It worked in a couple of ways.

1. My self esteem is back in the toilet.
2. I have been HUNGRY
3. I have lost my mind counting this or that.

So, now, I come running back to the world of intuitive eating. I have a different attitude and I am ready to work on it. But first, let's rewind back for a few months.

From April 07 until July of 07, I tried IE and didn't weigh myself. At the time, I thought that I was "doing it right". I was gaining weight and everyone reassured me that this was normal. One day, I went shopping and had to buy a size 16. A size 16. A place I swore that I would never be again. The very next day, I got on the scale. I had to know. I weighed 23 lbs higher than I had before I began IE. This was not acceptable. My wedding is coming up and my dress *had* to fit.

I joined weightwatchers the next morning. I started out AGAIN on the flex plan. That lasted about a week. Then on to the core plan. That lasted a little longer. And finally, I ended up counting calories. I was desperate to lose weight.

My therapist kept telling me to just try on the dress. For weeks I continued to diet and not try on the dress. Well, yesterday, as I was starving, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. I had some almonds, that shot me out of my calorie range, and tried on the dress. And guess what people, the damn thing fits. It fits. Of course, I will be purchasing some spanx, but it fits. I decided in that moment that I was done dieting. And I hope this time it is for good.

But this time will be different. I need to work slowly this time. I need to focus on what my body needs and not what my mind and mouth want. I need to learn to love my body as it is now. If I get smaller, that is great and if not, I have to love me anyway. I will eat out of hunger and forgive myself if I eat when I am not instead of binging. And I will work on not weighing myself. This will take time and I am not sure if I am willing to ever give it up completely. But, I can handle just once every two weeks. Maybe then once every month and so on. In the meantime, I will use the scale as information only. I won't let it determine how I feel about myself.

I once read that sometimes people go back to dieting once or twice before really getting it. I think I get it.

I am still alive

Just wanted to pop in and say that I am still alive. I have been going through so much that I haven't really had the energy to post. I got a new job (yay!), I went on vacation and I am in some sort of weird food/body image funk. So, I am taking a break from blogging for a bit. I hope to be back in the swing of things soon. I will see you all on your own blogs, I am sure.

{{{HUGS}}}

Feeling better

I am feeling much better than I was the last time I posted. Today, I am feeling good about the choices I have been making and the things I have been doing. I have been eating foods that make my body feel it's best, I have been exercising regularly and I have been on one interview and have another scheduled in a couple of days. All of these things combined have made me feel better.

The feeling of wanting to go on a diet is pretty much gone. Last week, I made up my mind that I would start to loosely follow the principles of Dr. Oz again. I remember that when I followed his ideas, I felt like a million bucks. And I think that deciding to feel like a million bucks again can't be a bad thing. I am sure most of you are thinking that I have fallen off of my IE rocker but really I haven't. I think that feeding my body the foods that make me feel good on the inside and out is the right choice whether some guy has written a book about it or not. I am also taking a non diet approach.

You see, after my bought with the grease, sugar and lattes, I was feeling really terrible. No energy, lack of desire to do anything except sleep and eat and most of all, my clothes were getting tighter. No matter which way I looked at it, I didn't feel good. I had to do something. After a conversation with Monica, I realized that the all or nothing mentality was running wild in my brain again. I had made up my mind that I was going on a diet and that I wasn't going to allow myself this or that anymore. After we chatted, I knew that the all or nothing approach was not the right one. Baby steps.

So, I started cutting out the things that were making me feel terrible. I had been paying attention to how I was feeling after certain foods. I noticed that after eating a piece of lemon pound cake, I crashed a few hours later and headed straight for a sugar laden latte to bring me back up again. A viscous cycle. I also started to think about my cholesterol and my overall health. After much thought, I realized that I have done the work of making chocolate cake legal again. I am doing the emotional work that needs to be done (loving my therapist, btw). Now, I want to feel good again. I want my body to feel healthy and strong. I want to be healthy and so now, I am stepping into the world of gentle nutrition.

Now lets get back to that Dr. Oz thing. A number of people have mentioned that taking the information I learned when I was a "dieter" and turning it into useful information today is not a bad thing. As I mentioned before, when I followed the Dr. oz principles, I felt great and knowing that is my prize. I know what I need to do to make my body feel good but I don't have to be on a "diet" to do it. I can still eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I am in charge, not Dr. Oz and varying from his "rules" isn't the end of the world.

I was just telling Mike that I am feeling really great about my food and exercise choices over the past week or so. He responded by saying "even the pizza". Yep. Even the pizza because there are no rules.

I want to go on a diet

Things have been pretty bad lately with work, wellness and, of course, food. At work, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in the right place. I am in a situation of being belittled, I am often put in moral and ethical compromises and my personal space is often invaded. This all makes me really really sad. A year ago, you could not have convinced me that I would rather be a people greeter at Walmart than work here. Now, I cry before, during and after work many days a week. I have no way to go except out. I have been submitting my resume to every company in the metro Richmond area, it seems. I have gotten a few calls but it appears that benefits are out these days. I can't have that.

Dealing with this in addition to my other "crap" has led me down the path of not taking care of myself on any front, really. I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating well and I haven't been taking time out just for me. Ever since my doctor told me to go on the low fat diet, I have been eating horribly. Grease, Sugar and Lattes. That has been my motto for the past couple of weeks. I clearly have not been listening to my body; I have been listening to the food rebel.

As a result, I am gaining weight. I don't know how much because I haven't the heart to get on the scale. But I know it is going up because I have been buying some size 14 clothes again and if I do the math, I know what that means about "the number". This sends me into a frenzy, I want to go on a diet. I don't know which one but I know that I have the racing feeling inside that I must get the weight off. I am so worried that my wedding dress is going to be too small. I think I am also looking for some sense of control in this crazy world I am living in.

Being the logical person I am, I know that this isn't the right choice. I know that going on a diet will not solve any of my problems, in life or with food. If I go back to the diet/binge cycle, I am just going to undo all of the work I have done with IE. BUT, Holy mother of nature, I can't get fat again. I can't. Being fat again means so much in my mind. First and foremost that I am a failure with food to myself and to everyone around me. I don't know how I would even look at myself in the mirror. These feelings are scary and I am not sure how to deal with them.

I don't want to be fat.

Checking In

I just thought I would check in. Life has been busy and crazy these days but I am doing OK. I was at a conference for work last week and before that, I was of course prepping for it. I also had a physical, it was discovered that I have high cholesterol. I was told to go on a low fat diet and take meds. This had me really discouraged for a bit on the IE front, it felt like I was being punished for not being on a diet. I am doing better with it now but I seem to keep having "one last time" eating episodes. I guess it is going to be a new process for me. The meds are making my heartburn horrible. I think I am going to have to stop taking them, I have a call in to my doctor to figure it out.

On the therapy front, I have my first session this Wednesday. I am a bit nervous about it but the therapist and I seemed to really connect on the phone. I know that I am taking the right step, I just hope that I can find the right therapist and really get some of this emotional garbage out of the way. I will keep you all updated!

Therapy

After much consideration, I have decided that I need therapy. My brother passed away at the age of 25 almost 3 years ago and since then I have been considering it. Now that I am on this journey of IE, I have uncovered so much emotional garbage that I don't think I can go it alone anymore. I have come to so many realizations about myself and my eating but realizing it just isn't enough. I have to do something about it to. I always thought that only crazy people went to therapy, so it felt shameful to even think that I needed it. But being in this wonderful community of bloggers and other IE'ers has helped me realize that therapy is not just for crazy people. It is for people who are strong enough to know that life isn't easy and sometimes we can't go it alone.

Hello, my name is Christie and I can't do this without help.

Beef, it's what's for lunch.

Yesterday, after a year and half without beef, chicken or pork, I ate a cheeseburger for lunch. I have been craving meat for a really long time. I tried to convince myself that I really didn't need meat. No matter what I ate, the cravings did not go away. Finally, yesterday, I realized what was going on with me. Rewind a year and a half....

I decided to give up meat after pondering it for a couple of weeks. I convinced myself that it was for "health" reasons. I knew a few vegetarians, oddly enough, they were all very thin. Hmmmm. That makes ya wonder doesn't it. So, now lets fast forward back to a couple of months ago. I was reading the IE book and they mentioned that some people give up meat to lose weight under the umbrella of it being for health reasons. I had no idea that the book meant me. Until yesterday. The thought had crossed my mind on a number of occasions but I blew off those thoughts because I would have never been that desperate to lose weight. Or would I?

Yesterday, when I bit into that cheeseburger, I realized that I was, in fact, that desperate to lose weight. I can't describe the sense of relief that my body felt. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me, like I was done pretending. I felt enlightened; I was just ignoring what my body was telling me for "health" reasons. I had been trying to figure out for the past few weeks what forbidden food I had been forgetting about. Who would have thought, it was cheeseburgers?

Today, I feel like my list of forbidden foods is complete; slowly but surely I worked my way through it. I feel free to eat whatever in the h*ll I want.

Including the pepperoni and sausage pizza I had for dinner.

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny

Pink polka dot swim suit. Yep, I bought one of those this past weekend while on my mini vacation. And guess what, it was not a traumatic experience like I thought it would be. I took about 6 suits into the fitting room and chose the one that looked the best. This is the first bathing suit I have bought in probably 8 or 9 years. I never got into a swim suit when I was fat...ever. After years of trauma of trying on swim suits and not liking them, this time was different. Now granted, I will not be submitting photos to Sports Illustrated any time soon but I must say, I looked pretty good! Even though the tag said size 12 instead of 6.

Do you know that I even went on the beach wearing it? And I didn't feel like a beached whale and I didn't feel consumed by what others thought of me. I relaxed and hung out on the beach with Mike, like a normal person. I forgot how much I loved the beach until this past weekend. I am even looking forward to going back.

I imagine that 4 months ago, all of this would have turned out very differently, though the tag would have still read size 12. 4 months ago, I would have taken only black suits into the fitting room and I probably would have "settled" on the frumpiest one because it covered it all up. And I shudder to think of how I would have felt on the beach wearing it. You know, I really don't even know if I would have worn a bathing suit on the beach. I would have stuck to shorts and a t-shirt, I am sure.

All of this made me realize that even though I am having tough times, my anti diet lifestyle is making me love myself. I am losing my regard for what other people think of me and my own outlook is improving. Maybe size 12 isn't so bad after all.

Where have I been?

Since my last post, I haven't really felt compelled to write on my blog. Probably because after my last post, I have been having a daily battle with nutella and bread. Coming to terms with my past isn't easy. I haven't been sure where to turn. I can feel that the troubles of daily life are still just a mask for my deeper more hidden issues. And as a result, I haven't been eating for hunger, especially in the evenings. I have been cramming down the nutella and bread, my biggest forbidden foods, for comfort. On the bright side of that, at least I was aware of what I was doing and I never really had the feeling of being stuffed.

Each night, before my illicit affair with the nutella and bread, I have been sitting with my feelings. I haven't been able to identify them exactly. My feelings seem mixed up and chaotic, an odd mix of sadness, happiness, excitement and fear. A few times this past week, I felt rage and anger against this or that. At work, I have been having a horrendous time and last Friday I was almost to the point of walking out. Why? Because of what appears to be a complete lack of respect for me and my personal space from my boss. I wonder, does this fight for respect in my professional life have anything to do with the lack of respect I suffered as a child and teenager? Probably. I wonder, why can't I be one of those people that just let it slide? Why can't I be the one to just kill them with kindness? Grin and Bear it?

The good news is that my boss and I worked out our problems and came to some compromises about my complaints. I have a better overall feeling about working here and working for him. I hope that it does get better because I am not sure how I can go on dealing with all of this emotion at once. I want the healing of my heart and soul to begin. I think that I am on my way, I just have to work through it.

And one day, I will eat nutella and bread for breakfast because it sounds good.

The Emotions of IE

Most recently, I started to journal my thoughts, feelings, hunger level and food. I only did it for about a day and a half before breaking down. I started the journal this past Thursday and by Friday lunch, I was a broken child hidden in the corner.

For a long time, I had myself convinced that I hadn't been stuffing my emotions down with food all of these years. I recently realized that there were triggers for eating too much but I never realized that there was some deep down sh*t triggering my triggers. I never thought I had *those* problems. Today, I know that I have been stuffing it all down, the shame, the guilt, the hatred, the resentment, all of it.

Of course, I haven't gone through my adult life oblivious to the fact that I have made mistakes and that people have stolen parts of my soul. But what I have done is mask all of that with cynicism and a poor pitiful me act. And without knowing it, thinking I was eating the stresses of the day away, what I was really doing was cramming all of the "bad" stuff further and further into my heart and mind. Because of that, I have rolls, folds, lumps and bumps that have come to be my shield.

Throughout this journey, I have wondered: Why is IE so damn hard? Why do people make comments about IE, like, "I can't do that, I would intuitively eat 300 warm cookies"? Why is it so easy to just eat the chocolate?

Because of the emotions. That is why. And that is why diets don't work.

Had I decided that the flex plan was the right thing to do last week, I would have never faced the demons of my mind like I did this weekend. I would have never chosen the spiral bound notebook because I needed all of that paper over the pretty leather bound journal. I would have never said the words, cried the tears and fought the desire to eat the warm cookies instead. I would have never faced it because I would have pointed out the ice cream without a second thought.

All of this will give me my life back.

This is a victory

This weekend was hard. After my face stuffing retreat, I came home on Saturday to find that the only jeans that fit me were my fat jeans. And as life goes, they were dirty. So, I had two options, go to the grocery store with business casual clothes or running pants and a t-shirt. I chose the running pants and t-shirt. I guess I fooled everyone at the grocery store into thinking I had just worked out and was in dire need of replenishment. Meanwhile, I felt frumpy and fat.

And on went the weekend. My diet mentality raced around chastising me for wearing gym clothes to the grocery store because my fat clothes were dirty. Can you believe that I even considered joining WW again and doing the flex plan? The thought of counting points is so vile to my mind that I really can't even believe that it felt like a logical choice for even a moment. But it did. Now, being the logical person that I am, I realized that this means something must change.

And as if she somehow knew, Monica came to my rescue.

This morning we chatted about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and some possible solutions. She told me a story about her own journey with IE that made so much click in my brain. All of a sudden, I realized that I have to stop this fear I have OF MYSELF. I also have to stop thinking in terms of how other people go about their journeys and instead I have to focus on making this way of life my own. And most importantly, I have to recognize how far I have come.

Throughout our conversation, she told me that she thought this or that was great. Things that I knew deep down in side were great but I hadn't brought those things to the forefront of my mind. Like for example, I have started to exercise on a regular basis. I have discovered that I love taking walks with Mike and that I also like training on weights with him. And though we both royally suck at it, I also like taking dance classes with him. I have forgiven myself for giving up running. My joints can't do it, it hurts. Walking doesn't. So, I walk and dance :) I have also stopped eating cherries in my cereal. Why? Because I don't like how the frozen cherries are hard to chew and make the cereal experience less joyful. I always thought I liked them in my cereal. Maybe once I did but not anymore. So, guess what fruit serving, you aren't getting in by way of frozen cherries in my cereal. Oh yeah, and another thing, chocolate cake really is good but just a couple of bites will do the trick, even if right out of the pan.

This conversation helped me in such a profound way. It is so important to recognize the positive things and stop focusing on the negative things. Everyone needs a Monica.

Oh yeah, I also decided that I am going to start setting specific goals to focus on. This week, I am really going to work on chewing. I am also going to start trying to take smaller portions of certain foods that don't seem to register satiety with me, like cereal and pasta. I am going to try measuring out a small amount and then going back for more if I need it.

And if you are still reading, you get a gold star.

More Triggers

Can you believe it?

I found another one today. Being in an awkward, weird, uncomfortable or otherwise not so desirable "social" situation.

Today, I had to attend a work thing that I really was not looking forward to. I despised even the thought of having to go to it. You see, I have held a lot of resentment against many of my...uh..."co-workers" for an altogether lack of respect towards me. In my mind, I was gonna be sitting in a corner, reading Beyond Chocolate and of course stewing in my resentment. I whole heartedly did not want to go. My boss told me that if what I felt was going to happen actually happened, then I could not return tomorrow. So, I put on my skinny outfit, my award winning "I am pretending to like you smile" and I forged ahead.

I arrived, book in hand, ready to sit and stew; I was a ball of resentful nerves. I hit the break area immediately. Being as intuitive as I possibly could, I grabbed a ginger ale. The bagels, donuts and pastries did seem to appeal to me, oddly enough. The meeting began shortly thereafter; it seemed to be going OK, though I had my book within close reach. Then, I was flooded with sheer shock. *I* was going to be part of one of the small groups and not a pretty prop in the corner? Holy Carp, I was totally prepared to be pissed, read my book and steam about being in the corner, but I was not prepared for actually being involved in this thing.

I was completely nervous. For so long, I had it worked up in my mind that this thing was going to be awful that I had completely failed to be prepared to actually give input. Of course, being the brilliant worker bee that I am, I came through. For a while, my nervousness subsided but that was short lived. It was time for lunch.

We get to the facilities dining room and to my dismay I was immediately notified of a HUGE error on the part of the resort. And because I am trying to keep my job, I won't share the gory details, but trust me, it was pretty big, or so I thought at the time. I ate my lunch so fast, I don't even remember what it was really. I do remember that when someone mentioned dessert, I was first in line. Yep, chocolate cake and cheesecake. I have no idea whether either of them were good or not. I shoved them both down so fast in hopes that this lunch would just be over. Luckily, I didn't walk away stuffed, so I guess I was at least mindful of portions.

Jokes were made about the HUGE error, so it ended up not being so bad but I am sure this one is gonna go down in history as one of those unforgettable errors made my conference/resort staff people. And I have only worked there for a couple of years now, but also trust me when I say there are lots of them. Though everyone was joking, I was still nervous about this whole thing since I was the coordinator for this event. And then came the m&m's.

At our afternoon break, a mere 30 or 45 minutes after the cheesecake and chocolate cake fiasco, I was at it again. I even said the words "All of this looks so good and I am not hungry for any of it". So, how is it that I ended up with about a half a package worth of peanut m&m's and a small bowl of popcorn. I don't know. How is it that I ate all of both without being one tiny ounce of hungry? I don't know.

Well, actually, yes, yes, I do know how.

I was stuffing down resentment, nervousness and embarrassment to avoid having to deal with feeling all of those things while at "retreat". Funny how that works.

Better luck tomorrow.

Triggers

I had a binge of sorts yesterday and a minor run in with some thin mint girl scout cookies on Saturday. The good news is that I am aware of why both happened.

On Saturday, we went to visit my family because my little sister was going to her Senior Prom. What a happy time in a girls life, well except the spazmatic episode of applying prom worthy make up. This episode had me pacing and wanting to claw out my own eyes. I searched the fridge and the freezer for something to sooth me. And to my delight, there was a brand new box of girl scout cookies in the freezer. The best way to eat them, of course. And eat them I did. Between my dad and I, we polished off a sleeve of them, I think. My the time I was done, the make up was applied and all was right in prom land again.

Yesterday, I woke up with horrible, incurable heartburn. My symptoms have been worse when my stomach is empty, I have come to learn. So, I ate my breakfast and but that didn't do the trick as it normally does. So, after about an hour or so passed, I thought maybe I did not eat enough. So, I decided to have a snack even though I wasn't really hungry. I ate some brown bread with hummus and a graham cracker with nutella. I was stuffed when I was done. My symptoms were milder, but still there. So, I drank so ginger ale. They went away for a bit but came back. So what did I do? I ate more brown bread and hummus and a yogurt.

On both occasions, I was aware that I was ignoring my hunger signals and eating for sheer comfort. Saturday, it was stress and yesterday it was being sick. And so what, really. I was at least aware that I was eating for other reasons, I recognized the feelings and now I am moving on. I think that this part of the process is just as important as anything else.

Recognizing Triggers is a very good thing.

The Mighty Scale

Yesterday, Mike told me that I looked skinny. Me. He said that to me. I went about my day floating on some sort of skinny girl cloud, a cloud I don't float on very often. I felt empowered by my new found way of life with IE. I kept looking at myself in the mirror, I didn't want to take the skinny outfit off, it was great.

So, this morning, still on my skinny cloud, I decided that I would weigh myself. I just knew it in my heart that I would be lighter than the last time I had weighed myself. That was March 29th. I wasn't elated by the number but I was satisfied. I thought to myself..OK...I can live with that, that is not a fat girl number. Today, I weighed in at 2.8 lbs more than that satisfying number.

I am crushed. I even cried in the shower. How is it that I was feeling better about my body than I had in years and all of a sudden I was back to square one? I still have the same body I had yesterday but now there is a forbidden number attached to it. And all of a sudden I am overwhelmed by feelings that I am doing something wrong and that I should start counting points or calories or something.

Clearly, there is still lots of work to be done. Accepting that this is a process not a get slim quick scheme is the first item on the agenda. This is NOT A DIET. I also need to learn to accept my body as it is and stop counting on the fact that I will get smaller. Because the truth is that I may not. I have been hovering around these same few pounds for a little more than a year now. This could be where my body feels comfortable. I am working on issues that I have never faced before. Like actually thinking about why eating chocolate chip cookies sounds better than feeling sad for those at VT. And why just feeling frustrated with my job and riding those feelings out is a healthier approach than stuffing myself silly with hummus and grapes.

This is a process and the scale has nothing to do with it.

If I listen, I can hear

So, what the IE book says really is true. One of the principles in the book is called "Honor your health-Gentle Nutrition", which is basically giving your body what it wants and needs by honoring your health and your tastebuds. In the book, it talks about the stages that one might go through in the IE process. The first stage will most likely be honoring your tastebuds...only. It goes on to say that you will learn what foods make your body feel good and that soon enough, you will actually want the foods that are more nutritious than say...brownies with ice cream.

I was very reluctant to actually honor my tastebuds instead of my health. I could hear the points values ticking off in my head and a little Dr. Oz on my shoulder talking about HFCS and trans fats. I dabbled with this or that food but was really afraid to let go of those thoughts and really embrace what I really wanted to eat. But, being the committed girl that I am, I got over it and moved forward with the process.

I listened and ate what I really wanted. I have felt very satisfied with each and every meal and even over ate with that one meal. I have gone through the process of honoring every single solitary taste bud in my mouth...I think :) And for the past fews days, something happened that I think is wonderful. I had breakthrough heartburn. Which for those of you who may not know, I have been having constant issues with heartburn for a few months now and was given medication (two kinds) and have mainly felt relief except on some random occasions. My doctor is sending me to a specialist to have more tests since he has run every test he can think of.

So, why do I think that breakthough heartburn is wonderful, you might ask? Well, because I it is making me really listen to my body and give it what it needs. Especially since in the past my heartburn issues have not been food related and now they seem to be. My body seems to be screaming at this point for more nutritious foods, like vegetables and whole grains.

I am really learning that I can eat the things that I truly love and not gain weight at a rate equal to the speed of light. I can eat out with my friends without having to fear the menu and I can stop avoiding social situations that don't fit my "diet". But the best news is this, I really do love vegetables, I could not *actually* live on chocolate cake alone.

Wow. Aren't our bodies and minds amazing?

Chewing, what a concept

This is thing # 3, I have actually been thinking about it alot over the past few days. Probably because I am still learning how to do it, it seems that just swallow is the concept my mouth seems to like the best. I never really even thought of it much until I received the monthly newsletter from Monica with an article about the importance of chewing. This is the article:

The Importance of Chewing by Monica Silvestro

In this fast-paced world, making time for a sit-down meal is often a luxury. A good many of us are probably guilty of eating a meal in a moving vehicle at least once in the last month. So what does all this rushing have to do with our health?

When we rush our meals, we tend not to chew our food thoroughly.

Chewing is important because it starts the digestion process before the food even hits your stomach. The more energy you put into chewing, the less energy your body needs to digest the food in your stomach and the more energy you'll have for other things, like being active, or even getting through the work day!

Chewing thoroughly and properly can reduce gas and bloating.

And finally, chewing thoroughly may help you eat less without even realizing it. There's a lag between the moment we've had enough food and the time it takes our minds to register that. So eating too fast may mean that you're eating more than you actually need and you may end up feeling overstuffed---Thanksgiving anyone?

How does finishing a meal feeling perfectly satisfied, not overstuffed, not looking for more food sound to you?

Get in the chew.

For more information on chewing: http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=george&dbid=36

So here is the thing, I know that chewing is important and try as I may, I can't seem to really accomplish this small yet important task. So, my goal is this: stop rushing through bites to have faster conversation and faster stomach relief. Hello in there, the food is coming!

Two things....

There are actually three, but I am running short on time and will post about the third later. The first is a victory for me!! The second, in an odd strange way (positive self talk) is too.

First, I did not weigh myself this morning. I repeat, I did not weigh myself this morning. On Monday, when I was feeling pretty dumpy about my body and my food intake on my vacation, I did not weigh because I did not want to beat myself up any further. I told myself, that if "necessary", I would weigh on Friday. Well, this morning, I realized that no matter what the scale says, my clothes are fitting better than they were on Monday and I feel pretty good, so why bother with that stupid number? No need too, as I saw it.

Secondly, I ate to a 10 last night :( The strangest thing happened, I was making one of my favorite meals, BBQ Tofu Pizza and roasted broccoli, and I was pretty hungry. For some reason, I had been insatiable all afternoon. So, as I browned the tofu in the pan, I nibbled on a few pieces and I drank some ginger ale. Well, low and behold, once dinner was ready, I said to Mike, "I don't think I am hungry". And then it happened. The mind games began, I had the Intuitive Eater on one shoulder and the Dieter on the other. The Dieter won and this is how it happened:

IE: I'm not hungry anymore
Dieter: But it is dinner time, you are allowed to eat so you have to
IE: But really, I don't think I am hungry
Dieter: Yes, yes you are

So, I pick up the plate and take a few bites

IE: Yeah, I am pretty sure I am not hungry
Dieter: But what if you get hungry in 30 minutes
IE: I will just eat in 30 minutes
Dieter: But it is dinner time now and you and Mike have things to do. If you don't eat now, you won't be able to

So, I pick up the plate and almost polish it off. Now, it really was not a large serving by any stretch of the imagination but I wasn't hungry. By the time I was done, I was stuffed and bloated. I felt like carp. I can't believe that I used to eat this way at pretty much every meal of every day. I actually went to sleep. My body was not up for anything except digesting all of the food I had stuffed into it. The plans that Mike and I had, shot to hell, I was asleep.

So, the lesson is this: LISTEN TO MY BODY, there will always be more food. I mean come on, I must be the biggest foodie on the planet. I will never let the cupboards be bare or the fridge be empty. And Mike, he would never let me be hungry, he doesn't like the evil demon that appears when I am starving even if we did have plans.

A Hunger Scale of my very own

Since I started my intuitive eating journey I have been trying to figure out my own personal hunger scale. I have researched the hunger scale on the Internet, read the one in the IE book and talked to a number of people; I never seemed to find one that fit me and my thoughts on being hungry/full. So, I talked to Mon about it and asked what she thought of me developing my own. She thought it was a great idea so I forged ahead with developing my own.

The reason that the ones from other sources never seemed to "fit" was because none described both the thought process AND the body/stomach sensations. I am sure I am not the only one that has both :) I really starting listening to my body and most importantly I started listening to the things I would say out loud to someone I might be with when my stomach/body/mind was talking to me. That seemed to really help me with figuring it out.

So here it goes:

The Hunger Scale of ~C~ (the goal would be to stay between 2 and 7)

10: OMG, I ate way too much, I think I might puke and then take a nap/Bloated and very uncomfortable
9: I ate too much/Very Full and a bit uncomfortable
8: I think I ate too much/Full
7: I ate just the right amount, I feel comfortably satisfied/I *know* there is food in there
6: I think I am still hungry/Not quite satisfied...but almost
5: I am thinking of something other than food/Neutral
4: mmmm...food, what do I want to eat/A sense of emptiness but still OK
3: I am hungry and ready to eat/Empty
2: I am pretty hungry/Starting to growl
1: I am starving, my only thought process is food/Growling non stop, I may feel a bit shaky and probably irritable
0: Where am I, oh I must be in the hospital because I passed out /I have never made it this far so I don't know what it feels like :)

And that is what hunger/full feels like...to me.

I would love to hear opinions about how I feel vs. how you feel on your own hunger scale.

Feeling Fat...

Last week, I was on vacation. I went into the vacation excited about the prospect of eating intuitively and not gaining the usual "5lbs from vacay". I thought to myself that I would come home from vacation without feelings of guilt from all of the "bad" food. And I am the first to admit that I was completely wrong.

This morning, I put on work pants that were too big for me just a week and a half ago. Today, they fit, but I look very pudgy in them. I am feeling very sad and guilty that I let this happen. I had been so positive and excited about my new intuitive eating lifestyle. Actually, the pants "fit" when I bought them and they became too big in just my short stint of intuitive eating. I had been doing so well with just eating like a "normal" person and really getting in touch with my hunger signals. I had not been beating myself up about choices that I would not have previously made in my life on a diet. I was actually feeling good about them because I was staying in control instead of falling off the deep end and stuffing myself silly.

Looking back on my vacation, I realize that on several instances I ate when I was not hungry. I also ate a carp load of Easter candy for no reason except that it was there and it tasted good. I think I focused too much on stopping at satisfied that I lost sight of only eating when I was hungry. The good news is that I did not try beating myself up further by stepping on the scale this morning. A couple of weeks ago, I had Mike put the scale away so that I would not be tempted to check it every day. This morning, I really wanted to take the scale out and see "the damage". But, I did not. I really can't remember exactly when the last time I stepped on the scale was, I am thinking it was about two weeks ago. Hopefully, this is a trend that will continue, but I am sure I am going to have to have many fights with my brain. Why is it that one number can have such power over one's brain?

I know that these feelings of guilt will subside and I will regain my ability to eat intuitively. I just know it.

I want some "real" food!

I have been out of town at a conference for work for the past few days. The food was fabulous, probably because I was the person responsible for making the arrangements. Anyway, I did very well with not stuffing myself and overall, I feel very good about how I handled it. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and felt very satisfied. I did eat beyond satisfaction last night at dinner but I realize I was very tired and wasn't able to really focus on just eating. But, no guilty feelings for that!

Anyway, all I can think about is a salad. A nice fresh crisp salad. And I don't want it because it is "healthy", I want it because that is what my body says it needs and wants. I can't wait, I am even going to have it with ranch dressing.


munch...munch...

Am I still hungry?

For the past couple of nights, I have eaten dinner to a point of what I thought was satisfying. But within 15 minutes of "finishing", I still feel hungry. I think that I am afraid of eating too much. I guess I have been trying to leave food on my plate, though I am serving myself small portions. My mind is playing tricks on me.

I have always been a member of the clean plate club, for as long as I can remember. In fact, my very first memory as a child is my father enforcing the clean plate rule. My mind has just always thought that if the plate was empty, then it is OK to quit eating. For the first few days of IE, I really had a hard time leaving food on my plate, but I worked my way through it and accepted that it is OK to leave the food there. Better to go to waste than to my waist.

So, what is happening, some sort of weird reverse psychology? Now, I have it in my head that if I do finish my plate then I MUST have eaten too much. Boy, what I fine line this one truly is. The truth of the matter is that if I haven't served myself 17 potions, then it may in fact be OK to clean my plate. And even still, I could go back for seconds on occasion.

Hmmm. What a concept.

3/4 of a bread stick?

One of my favorite foods is Italian. Love it. Could eat it every meal of every day. But, in my previous diet life, I avoided Italian restaurants like the plague. Too much bread, pasta and fabulous salad dressing. Had I gone to an Italian place in my diet life, I would have been "off the wagon", of course. And of course, I would have eaten the entire bread basket, a "fattening" salad, my entire meal and dessert. I would have left feeling like I needed my stomach pumped and that a nap was in my very near future.

Oh my, how times have changed.

Yesterday, Mike, my dear fiance and I went to eat at an Italian place for lunch! I was excited and ready to listen to my body for this fabulous meal. I ordered my favorite dish from the menu, mushroom stuffed ravioli, instead of what I perceived to be the healthiest thing to order. So, along came the salad and the bread, probably my favorite part. Can I just say that I ate the salad without touching the bread? I once again ate slowly, enjoying every bite and I didn't avoid the croutons. Once I finished the salad, I patiently waited for my meal to come. I did not gobble down bread until the basket was clean. Let me say it again, I did not gobble down bread until the basket was clean.

So, my meal arrived and it looked divine. With the meal, I did have bread and each and every bite of my lunch was enjoyed. I must say, it was very pleasurable. Once I decided that I was satisfied, I put my napkin in my plate and noticed something that was astonishing to my eyes. There was 1/4 of the bread stick left.

This was a life changing moment for me. Can I really walk out of an Italian restaurant not feeling stuffed? Can I really just eat 3/4 of a bread stick?


Why, yes, yes I can :)

The sigh

Yesterday, I spent alot of time reading blogs, articles and talking to people about the hunger scale and knowing when enough is enough. I was feeling a bit discouraged about the hunger scale as I couldn't seem to find anything that really fit me. I spoke to my dear friend, Monica, the health counselor about it. I suggested to her that I wanted to write my own hunger scale. She thought it was a terrific idea, so I hope to produce one of those in the next couple of days. I did, however, find what I thought was a very exciting tip about how to know when enough is enough. Through the ww core plan, I learned about the sigh and I have only ever caught it once so this new tip was thrilling to find. One blogger said that she knew she was satisfied when she wanted to take a drink of water while eating. Oh My. What a great little tip, I took this knowledge and was ready to put it into action at dinner.

So, my dear fiance and I sat down for a lovely meal of tofu and vegetable stir fry over bulgar, one of my favorites. Armed with my glass of water, I began to eat. Well, after two bites I was thirsty. Damn teryaki sauce. I knew this was not my point of satisfied. So, I really took my time chewing, putting my fork down between bites and really enjoying the flavors. And low and behold, guess what happened. Yep, that's right. I sighed. And better still, I stopped eating when it happened and my stomach felt exactly comfortable with the amount of food in it. Who'd a thunk.

Sigh.

And so I began

Though I didn't have my copy of Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA yet, I had read lots of articles and had a number of discussions with my friend. So, I tried my best to incorporate what I knew into my day yesterday. I think I did pretty well. I actually went to the health food store last night an eyed all of the goodies, thinking that if I really wanted it, I could really have it. I looked at Thai dumplings, organic cookies and even the fruits and vegetables. Nothing really jumped out at me and said "Eat Me", to my surprise of course. I was content with what was on the menu for dinner when I got home: Whole Wheat roasted veggie pizza and kale sauteed in olive oil.

I was delighted to find my copy of the book waiting for me when I arrived home. As soon as I saw the box, I was excited, I began reading it right after dinner. The dinner I ate intuitively, I think. :)

Reading the first couple of chapters brings about some fears but also a sense of relief. It talks about eating whatever I want, as long as I am hungry and stop at satisfied, of course. The thought of eating whatever I want really scares me. It goes on to say that in the first stage of intuitive eating, I may eat a lot of unhealthy food but that I should really focus on how the foods make me feel. After a while, my body will crave the healthy food. Which, I can thankfully say, it really does crave healthy food a good portion of the time. The thought of eating pizza anytime I really want it is scary; will I ever get to a place that pizza, ice cream and chocolate cake only cross my mind rarely?

It also says that I need to really focus on what I want to eat, that I should think about the sensations that all sorts of food will provide and choose what sounds the best. This is supposed to help me really determine if I am hungry for food or for something else, like stress relief or comfort. This thought also scares me a bit. Getting in touch with the emotions that bring about my unhealthy eating habits seems like a daunting task. I am happy to report that most recently, I have been tackling my biggest food fight. Stress. Oh, it seems to be ever so abundant in my life right now. I have been learning to take time out from my hectic schedule for some much needed me time. I have even been reading, EVERYDAY. Everyday. I haven't read every day in years. I am also finding much relief in long walks with my dear fiance and long hot baths as often as possible.

Though I have these fears, I feel empowered. So empowered that I ate my cereal out of a teeny tiny bowl this morning. ;)

This is me.

I am here, in the world of bloggers, to account for my food worries, issues, strengths, weaknesses and everything in between. Including chocolate cake.

I have struggled with my weight for a few years, now. I didn't get fat until I was in my mid twenties and I only spent a couple years as "the fat girl". When I was fat, I didn't even realize it, really. It never dawned on me that size 22 pants on a 5'2 chick was fat. For so many years, I was "as skinny as a rail", even to the point that my grandmother use to tell me that I ate like a bird. So, as I got heavier, I guess I had my self fooled by so many years of being thin. I didn't see fat, I saw the bird. Then one day, I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I was in fact fat. I hadn't stepped on a scale in about 10 years, I guess. I remember that I weighed 104lbs in high school. Boy was I shocked to see 220lbs on the scale after those ten years had passed.

Because it was the only thing I had ever heard of, I joined Weight Watchers. I remembered sitting in ww meetings with my mom as a child and that it really "worked" for her. I didn't go to meetings, I joined online and started on the flex plan right away. I quickly lost 14lbs and stopped when I heard about the Atkins diet. It sounded too good to be true, I started it right away. In a matter of months, I was down 40lbs and was feeling great. Well, except that pesky little pain in my foot that caused me to be unable to walk. Yeah, it is called gout and is a side effect for some people who follow the Atkins diet. Too much protein. So anyway, I went on to something else. I did the Dr. Phil thing, the do it on my own thing, all sorts of things and gained my way back up to 186.

After realizing that my size 14's were being banished to the back of the closet for size 16's, I joined ww again. Once again, I did the flex plan. I quickly learned that I HATED counting points. With every passion inside of my being, I HATED counting points. So, I read up on the core plan and immediately switched. And to my surprise, it worked. Like a charm in fact. I worked my way down to 156, my lowest since I started my adventures in dieting. And then it happened.

I Quit Smoking.

I gained 4lbs in a week. I was devastated. So, I forged ahead with the core plan, I began to run and was able to lose a few more. Then my weight began to yo yo like never before. I was frustrated, mad and hungry. So, I went back to the flex plan and still ate the core foods. Lost some, went back to just core and back up I went. So, I kind of gave up on ww and just started counting calories on sparkpeople. That sucked even more than flex, I think. Then one day I saw the Oprah show and was amazed by Dr. Oz. I could feel it in my bones that he was going to save me from my battles with the yo yo. I was stoked, I tried it, it worked. I got down to 143.4! That was short lived. Even though I felt amazing, my weight started to creep back up.

Throughout this journey, I made professions that I would just maintain for a while. I declared I had found the diet for me. Meanwhile, nothing really "worked". No matter what I tried, I still wanted chocolate cake, pizza and ice cream. So with the help of a dear friend, I realized that my focus was out of wack. I realized that no matter what the "diet" is, it isn't the solution. I have to change the way I see food. Food isn't bad, even if it is covered in chocolate. Food is for nurishment and even pleasure. But food isn't for soothing stress, anger or frustration. Eating chocolate because I feel fat surely isn't going to solve the problem.

So, I have delved into the world of intuitive eating. A world of eating only when you are hungry, stopping at satisfied, not feeling guilt and removing the "good" and "bad" labels from food. In this world, I must also give up the idea that there is no "on the wagon" or "off the wagon", it is a lifelong journey. This concept is a bit surreal to me. In the past five years, I haven't been able to eat chocolate, pizza or ice cream with out feeling guilt. Even if I was counting my points for it.

So, now, the question is:

Can I eat intuitively?

~c~