This is a victory

This weekend was hard. After my face stuffing retreat, I came home on Saturday to find that the only jeans that fit me were my fat jeans. And as life goes, they were dirty. So, I had two options, go to the grocery store with business casual clothes or running pants and a t-shirt. I chose the running pants and t-shirt. I guess I fooled everyone at the grocery store into thinking I had just worked out and was in dire need of replenishment. Meanwhile, I felt frumpy and fat.

And on went the weekend. My diet mentality raced around chastising me for wearing gym clothes to the grocery store because my fat clothes were dirty. Can you believe that I even considered joining WW again and doing the flex plan? The thought of counting points is so vile to my mind that I really can't even believe that it felt like a logical choice for even a moment. But it did. Now, being the logical person that I am, I realized that this means something must change.

And as if she somehow knew, Monica came to my rescue.

This morning we chatted about how I was feeling, what I was thinking and some possible solutions. She told me a story about her own journey with IE that made so much click in my brain. All of a sudden, I realized that I have to stop this fear I have OF MYSELF. I also have to stop thinking in terms of how other people go about their journeys and instead I have to focus on making this way of life my own. And most importantly, I have to recognize how far I have come.

Throughout our conversation, she told me that she thought this or that was great. Things that I knew deep down in side were great but I hadn't brought those things to the forefront of my mind. Like for example, I have started to exercise on a regular basis. I have discovered that I love taking walks with Mike and that I also like training on weights with him. And though we both royally suck at it, I also like taking dance classes with him. I have forgiven myself for giving up running. My joints can't do it, it hurts. Walking doesn't. So, I walk and dance :) I have also stopped eating cherries in my cereal. Why? Because I don't like how the frozen cherries are hard to chew and make the cereal experience less joyful. I always thought I liked them in my cereal. Maybe once I did but not anymore. So, guess what fruit serving, you aren't getting in by way of frozen cherries in my cereal. Oh yeah, and another thing, chocolate cake really is good but just a couple of bites will do the trick, even if right out of the pan.

This conversation helped me in such a profound way. It is so important to recognize the positive things and stop focusing on the negative things. Everyone needs a Monica.

Oh yeah, I also decided that I am going to start setting specific goals to focus on. This week, I am really going to work on chewing. I am also going to start trying to take smaller portions of certain foods that don't seem to register satiety with me, like cereal and pasta. I am going to try measuring out a small amount and then going back for more if I need it.

And if you are still reading, you get a gold star.

More Triggers

Can you believe it?

I found another one today. Being in an awkward, weird, uncomfortable or otherwise not so desirable "social" situation.

Today, I had to attend a work thing that I really was not looking forward to. I despised even the thought of having to go to it. You see, I have held a lot of resentment against many of my...uh..."co-workers" for an altogether lack of respect towards me. In my mind, I was gonna be sitting in a corner, reading Beyond Chocolate and of course stewing in my resentment. I whole heartedly did not want to go. My boss told me that if what I felt was going to happen actually happened, then I could not return tomorrow. So, I put on my skinny outfit, my award winning "I am pretending to like you smile" and I forged ahead.

I arrived, book in hand, ready to sit and stew; I was a ball of resentful nerves. I hit the break area immediately. Being as intuitive as I possibly could, I grabbed a ginger ale. The bagels, donuts and pastries did seem to appeal to me, oddly enough. The meeting began shortly thereafter; it seemed to be going OK, though I had my book within close reach. Then, I was flooded with sheer shock. *I* was going to be part of one of the small groups and not a pretty prop in the corner? Holy Carp, I was totally prepared to be pissed, read my book and steam about being in the corner, but I was not prepared for actually being involved in this thing.

I was completely nervous. For so long, I had it worked up in my mind that this thing was going to be awful that I had completely failed to be prepared to actually give input. Of course, being the brilliant worker bee that I am, I came through. For a while, my nervousness subsided but that was short lived. It was time for lunch.

We get to the facilities dining room and to my dismay I was immediately notified of a HUGE error on the part of the resort. And because I am trying to keep my job, I won't share the gory details, but trust me, it was pretty big, or so I thought at the time. I ate my lunch so fast, I don't even remember what it was really. I do remember that when someone mentioned dessert, I was first in line. Yep, chocolate cake and cheesecake. I have no idea whether either of them were good or not. I shoved them both down so fast in hopes that this lunch would just be over. Luckily, I didn't walk away stuffed, so I guess I was at least mindful of portions.

Jokes were made about the HUGE error, so it ended up not being so bad but I am sure this one is gonna go down in history as one of those unforgettable errors made my conference/resort staff people. And I have only worked there for a couple of years now, but also trust me when I say there are lots of them. Though everyone was joking, I was still nervous about this whole thing since I was the coordinator for this event. And then came the m&m's.

At our afternoon break, a mere 30 or 45 minutes after the cheesecake and chocolate cake fiasco, I was at it again. I even said the words "All of this looks so good and I am not hungry for any of it". So, how is it that I ended up with about a half a package worth of peanut m&m's and a small bowl of popcorn. I don't know. How is it that I ate all of both without being one tiny ounce of hungry? I don't know.

Well, actually, yes, yes, I do know how.

I was stuffing down resentment, nervousness and embarrassment to avoid having to deal with feeling all of those things while at "retreat". Funny how that works.

Better luck tomorrow.

Triggers

I had a binge of sorts yesterday and a minor run in with some thin mint girl scout cookies on Saturday. The good news is that I am aware of why both happened.

On Saturday, we went to visit my family because my little sister was going to her Senior Prom. What a happy time in a girls life, well except the spazmatic episode of applying prom worthy make up. This episode had me pacing and wanting to claw out my own eyes. I searched the fridge and the freezer for something to sooth me. And to my delight, there was a brand new box of girl scout cookies in the freezer. The best way to eat them, of course. And eat them I did. Between my dad and I, we polished off a sleeve of them, I think. My the time I was done, the make up was applied and all was right in prom land again.

Yesterday, I woke up with horrible, incurable heartburn. My symptoms have been worse when my stomach is empty, I have come to learn. So, I ate my breakfast and but that didn't do the trick as it normally does. So, after about an hour or so passed, I thought maybe I did not eat enough. So, I decided to have a snack even though I wasn't really hungry. I ate some brown bread with hummus and a graham cracker with nutella. I was stuffed when I was done. My symptoms were milder, but still there. So, I drank so ginger ale. They went away for a bit but came back. So what did I do? I ate more brown bread and hummus and a yogurt.

On both occasions, I was aware that I was ignoring my hunger signals and eating for sheer comfort. Saturday, it was stress and yesterday it was being sick. And so what, really. I was at least aware that I was eating for other reasons, I recognized the feelings and now I am moving on. I think that this part of the process is just as important as anything else.

Recognizing Triggers is a very good thing.

The Mighty Scale

Yesterday, Mike told me that I looked skinny. Me. He said that to me. I went about my day floating on some sort of skinny girl cloud, a cloud I don't float on very often. I felt empowered by my new found way of life with IE. I kept looking at myself in the mirror, I didn't want to take the skinny outfit off, it was great.

So, this morning, still on my skinny cloud, I decided that I would weigh myself. I just knew it in my heart that I would be lighter than the last time I had weighed myself. That was March 29th. I wasn't elated by the number but I was satisfied. I thought to myself..OK...I can live with that, that is not a fat girl number. Today, I weighed in at 2.8 lbs more than that satisfying number.

I am crushed. I even cried in the shower. How is it that I was feeling better about my body than I had in years and all of a sudden I was back to square one? I still have the same body I had yesterday but now there is a forbidden number attached to it. And all of a sudden I am overwhelmed by feelings that I am doing something wrong and that I should start counting points or calories or something.

Clearly, there is still lots of work to be done. Accepting that this is a process not a get slim quick scheme is the first item on the agenda. This is NOT A DIET. I also need to learn to accept my body as it is and stop counting on the fact that I will get smaller. Because the truth is that I may not. I have been hovering around these same few pounds for a little more than a year now. This could be where my body feels comfortable. I am working on issues that I have never faced before. Like actually thinking about why eating chocolate chip cookies sounds better than feeling sad for those at VT. And why just feeling frustrated with my job and riding those feelings out is a healthier approach than stuffing myself silly with hummus and grapes.

This is a process and the scale has nothing to do with it.

If I listen, I can hear

So, what the IE book says really is true. One of the principles in the book is called "Honor your health-Gentle Nutrition", which is basically giving your body what it wants and needs by honoring your health and your tastebuds. In the book, it talks about the stages that one might go through in the IE process. The first stage will most likely be honoring your tastebuds...only. It goes on to say that you will learn what foods make your body feel good and that soon enough, you will actually want the foods that are more nutritious than say...brownies with ice cream.

I was very reluctant to actually honor my tastebuds instead of my health. I could hear the points values ticking off in my head and a little Dr. Oz on my shoulder talking about HFCS and trans fats. I dabbled with this or that food but was really afraid to let go of those thoughts and really embrace what I really wanted to eat. But, being the committed girl that I am, I got over it and moved forward with the process.

I listened and ate what I really wanted. I have felt very satisfied with each and every meal and even over ate with that one meal. I have gone through the process of honoring every single solitary taste bud in my mouth...I think :) And for the past fews days, something happened that I think is wonderful. I had breakthrough heartburn. Which for those of you who may not know, I have been having constant issues with heartburn for a few months now and was given medication (two kinds) and have mainly felt relief except on some random occasions. My doctor is sending me to a specialist to have more tests since he has run every test he can think of.

So, why do I think that breakthough heartburn is wonderful, you might ask? Well, because I it is making me really listen to my body and give it what it needs. Especially since in the past my heartburn issues have not been food related and now they seem to be. My body seems to be screaming at this point for more nutritious foods, like vegetables and whole grains.

I am really learning that I can eat the things that I truly love and not gain weight at a rate equal to the speed of light. I can eat out with my friends without having to fear the menu and I can stop avoiding social situations that don't fit my "diet". But the best news is this, I really do love vegetables, I could not *actually* live on chocolate cake alone.

Wow. Aren't our bodies and minds amazing?

Chewing, what a concept

This is thing # 3, I have actually been thinking about it alot over the past few days. Probably because I am still learning how to do it, it seems that just swallow is the concept my mouth seems to like the best. I never really even thought of it much until I received the monthly newsletter from Monica with an article about the importance of chewing. This is the article:

The Importance of Chewing by Monica Silvestro

In this fast-paced world, making time for a sit-down meal is often a luxury. A good many of us are probably guilty of eating a meal in a moving vehicle at least once in the last month. So what does all this rushing have to do with our health?

When we rush our meals, we tend not to chew our food thoroughly.

Chewing is important because it starts the digestion process before the food even hits your stomach. The more energy you put into chewing, the less energy your body needs to digest the food in your stomach and the more energy you'll have for other things, like being active, or even getting through the work day!

Chewing thoroughly and properly can reduce gas and bloating.

And finally, chewing thoroughly may help you eat less without even realizing it. There's a lag between the moment we've had enough food and the time it takes our minds to register that. So eating too fast may mean that you're eating more than you actually need and you may end up feeling overstuffed---Thanksgiving anyone?

How does finishing a meal feeling perfectly satisfied, not overstuffed, not looking for more food sound to you?

Get in the chew.

For more information on chewing: http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=george&dbid=36

So here is the thing, I know that chewing is important and try as I may, I can't seem to really accomplish this small yet important task. So, my goal is this: stop rushing through bites to have faster conversation and faster stomach relief. Hello in there, the food is coming!

Two things....

There are actually three, but I am running short on time and will post about the third later. The first is a victory for me!! The second, in an odd strange way (positive self talk) is too.

First, I did not weigh myself this morning. I repeat, I did not weigh myself this morning. On Monday, when I was feeling pretty dumpy about my body and my food intake on my vacation, I did not weigh because I did not want to beat myself up any further. I told myself, that if "necessary", I would weigh on Friday. Well, this morning, I realized that no matter what the scale says, my clothes are fitting better than they were on Monday and I feel pretty good, so why bother with that stupid number? No need too, as I saw it.

Secondly, I ate to a 10 last night :( The strangest thing happened, I was making one of my favorite meals, BBQ Tofu Pizza and roasted broccoli, and I was pretty hungry. For some reason, I had been insatiable all afternoon. So, as I browned the tofu in the pan, I nibbled on a few pieces and I drank some ginger ale. Well, low and behold, once dinner was ready, I said to Mike, "I don't think I am hungry". And then it happened. The mind games began, I had the Intuitive Eater on one shoulder and the Dieter on the other. The Dieter won and this is how it happened:

IE: I'm not hungry anymore
Dieter: But it is dinner time, you are allowed to eat so you have to
IE: But really, I don't think I am hungry
Dieter: Yes, yes you are

So, I pick up the plate and take a few bites

IE: Yeah, I am pretty sure I am not hungry
Dieter: But what if you get hungry in 30 minutes
IE: I will just eat in 30 minutes
Dieter: But it is dinner time now and you and Mike have things to do. If you don't eat now, you won't be able to

So, I pick up the plate and almost polish it off. Now, it really was not a large serving by any stretch of the imagination but I wasn't hungry. By the time I was done, I was stuffed and bloated. I felt like carp. I can't believe that I used to eat this way at pretty much every meal of every day. I actually went to sleep. My body was not up for anything except digesting all of the food I had stuffed into it. The plans that Mike and I had, shot to hell, I was asleep.

So, the lesson is this: LISTEN TO MY BODY, there will always be more food. I mean come on, I must be the biggest foodie on the planet. I will never let the cupboards be bare or the fridge be empty. And Mike, he would never let me be hungry, he doesn't like the evil demon that appears when I am starving even if we did have plans.

A Hunger Scale of my very own

Since I started my intuitive eating journey I have been trying to figure out my own personal hunger scale. I have researched the hunger scale on the Internet, read the one in the IE book and talked to a number of people; I never seemed to find one that fit me and my thoughts on being hungry/full. So, I talked to Mon about it and asked what she thought of me developing my own. She thought it was a great idea so I forged ahead with developing my own.

The reason that the ones from other sources never seemed to "fit" was because none described both the thought process AND the body/stomach sensations. I am sure I am not the only one that has both :) I really starting listening to my body and most importantly I started listening to the things I would say out loud to someone I might be with when my stomach/body/mind was talking to me. That seemed to really help me with figuring it out.

So here it goes:

The Hunger Scale of ~C~ (the goal would be to stay between 2 and 7)

10: OMG, I ate way too much, I think I might puke and then take a nap/Bloated and very uncomfortable
9: I ate too much/Very Full and a bit uncomfortable
8: I think I ate too much/Full
7: I ate just the right amount, I feel comfortably satisfied/I *know* there is food in there
6: I think I am still hungry/Not quite satisfied...but almost
5: I am thinking of something other than food/Neutral
4: mmmm...food, what do I want to eat/A sense of emptiness but still OK
3: I am hungry and ready to eat/Empty
2: I am pretty hungry/Starting to growl
1: I am starving, my only thought process is food/Growling non stop, I may feel a bit shaky and probably irritable
0: Where am I, oh I must be in the hospital because I passed out /I have never made it this far so I don't know what it feels like :)

And that is what hunger/full feels like...to me.

I would love to hear opinions about how I feel vs. how you feel on your own hunger scale.

Feeling Fat...

Last week, I was on vacation. I went into the vacation excited about the prospect of eating intuitively and not gaining the usual "5lbs from vacay". I thought to myself that I would come home from vacation without feelings of guilt from all of the "bad" food. And I am the first to admit that I was completely wrong.

This morning, I put on work pants that were too big for me just a week and a half ago. Today, they fit, but I look very pudgy in them. I am feeling very sad and guilty that I let this happen. I had been so positive and excited about my new intuitive eating lifestyle. Actually, the pants "fit" when I bought them and they became too big in just my short stint of intuitive eating. I had been doing so well with just eating like a "normal" person and really getting in touch with my hunger signals. I had not been beating myself up about choices that I would not have previously made in my life on a diet. I was actually feeling good about them because I was staying in control instead of falling off the deep end and stuffing myself silly.

Looking back on my vacation, I realize that on several instances I ate when I was not hungry. I also ate a carp load of Easter candy for no reason except that it was there and it tasted good. I think I focused too much on stopping at satisfied that I lost sight of only eating when I was hungry. The good news is that I did not try beating myself up further by stepping on the scale this morning. A couple of weeks ago, I had Mike put the scale away so that I would not be tempted to check it every day. This morning, I really wanted to take the scale out and see "the damage". But, I did not. I really can't remember exactly when the last time I stepped on the scale was, I am thinking it was about two weeks ago. Hopefully, this is a trend that will continue, but I am sure I am going to have to have many fights with my brain. Why is it that one number can have such power over one's brain?

I know that these feelings of guilt will subside and I will regain my ability to eat intuitively. I just know it.

I want some "real" food!

I have been out of town at a conference for work for the past few days. The food was fabulous, probably because I was the person responsible for making the arrangements. Anyway, I did very well with not stuffing myself and overall, I feel very good about how I handled it. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and felt very satisfied. I did eat beyond satisfaction last night at dinner but I realize I was very tired and wasn't able to really focus on just eating. But, no guilty feelings for that!

Anyway, all I can think about is a salad. A nice fresh crisp salad. And I don't want it because it is "healthy", I want it because that is what my body says it needs and wants. I can't wait, I am even going to have it with ranch dressing.


munch...munch...