I am here, in the world of bloggers, to account for my food worries, issues, strengths, weaknesses and everything in between. Including chocolate cake.
I have struggled with my weight for a few years, now. I didn't get fat until I was in my mid twenties and I only spent a couple years as "the fat girl". When I was fat, I didn't even realize it, really. It never dawned on me that size 22 pants on a 5'2 chick was fat. For so many years, I was "as skinny as a rail", even to the point that my grandmother use to tell me that I ate like a bird. So, as I got heavier, I guess I had my self fooled by so many years of being thin. I didn't see fat, I saw the bird. Then one day, I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I was in fact fat. I hadn't stepped on a scale in about 10 years, I guess. I remember that I weighed 104lbs in high school. Boy was I shocked to see 220lbs on the scale after those ten years had passed.
Because it was the only thing I had ever heard of, I joined Weight Watchers. I remembered sitting in ww meetings with my mom as a child and that it really "worked" for her. I didn't go to meetings, I joined online and started on the flex plan right away. I quickly lost 14lbs and stopped when I heard about the Atkins diet. It sounded too good to be true, I started it right away. In a matter of months, I was down 40lbs and was feeling great. Well, except that pesky little pain in my foot that caused me to be unable to walk. Yeah, it is called gout and is a side effect for some people who follow the Atkins diet. Too much protein. So anyway, I went on to something else. I did the Dr. Phil thing, the do it on my own thing, all sorts of things and gained my way back up to 186.
After realizing that my size 14's were being banished to the back of the closet for size 16's, I joined ww again. Once again, I did the flex plan. I quickly learned that I HATED counting points. With every passion inside of my being, I HATED counting points. So, I read up on the core plan and immediately switched. And to my surprise, it worked. Like a charm in fact. I worked my way down to 156, my lowest since I started my adventures in dieting. And then it happened.
I Quit Smoking.
I gained 4lbs in a week. I was devastated. So, I forged ahead with the core plan, I began to run and was able to lose a few more. Then my weight began to yo yo like never before. I was frustrated, mad and hungry. So, I went back to the flex plan and still ate the core foods. Lost some, went back to just core and back up I went. So, I kind of gave up on ww and just started counting calories on sparkpeople. That sucked even more than flex, I think. Then one day I saw the Oprah show and was amazed by Dr. Oz. I could feel it in my bones that he was going to save me from my battles with the yo yo. I was stoked, I tried it, it worked. I got down to 143.4! That was short lived. Even though I felt amazing, my weight started to creep back up.
Throughout this journey, I made professions that I would just maintain for a while. I declared I had found the diet for me. Meanwhile, nothing really "worked". No matter what I tried, I still wanted chocolate cake, pizza and ice cream. So with the help of a dear friend, I realized that my focus was out of wack. I realized that no matter what the "diet" is, it isn't the solution. I have to change the way I see food. Food isn't bad, even if it is covered in chocolate. Food is for nurishment and even pleasure. But food isn't for soothing stress, anger or frustration. Eating chocolate because I feel fat surely isn't going to solve the problem.
So, I have delved into the world of intuitive eating. A world of eating only when you are hungry, stopping at satisfied, not feeling guilt and removing the "good" and "bad" labels from food. In this world, I must also give up the idea that there is no "on the wagon" or "off the wagon", it is a lifelong journey. This concept is a bit surreal to me. In the past five years, I haven't been able to eat chocolate, pizza or ice cream with out feeling guilt. Even if I was counting my points for it.
So, now, the question is:
Can I eat intuitively?
~c~
I have struggled with my weight for a few years, now. I didn't get fat until I was in my mid twenties and I only spent a couple years as "the fat girl". When I was fat, I didn't even realize it, really. It never dawned on me that size 22 pants on a 5'2 chick was fat. For so many years, I was "as skinny as a rail", even to the point that my grandmother use to tell me that I ate like a bird. So, as I got heavier, I guess I had my self fooled by so many years of being thin. I didn't see fat, I saw the bird. Then one day, I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I was in fact fat. I hadn't stepped on a scale in about 10 years, I guess. I remember that I weighed 104lbs in high school. Boy was I shocked to see 220lbs on the scale after those ten years had passed.
Because it was the only thing I had ever heard of, I joined Weight Watchers. I remembered sitting in ww meetings with my mom as a child and that it really "worked" for her. I didn't go to meetings, I joined online and started on the flex plan right away. I quickly lost 14lbs and stopped when I heard about the Atkins diet. It sounded too good to be true, I started it right away. In a matter of months, I was down 40lbs and was feeling great. Well, except that pesky little pain in my foot that caused me to be unable to walk. Yeah, it is called gout and is a side effect for some people who follow the Atkins diet. Too much protein. So anyway, I went on to something else. I did the Dr. Phil thing, the do it on my own thing, all sorts of things and gained my way back up to 186.
After realizing that my size 14's were being banished to the back of the closet for size 16's, I joined ww again. Once again, I did the flex plan. I quickly learned that I HATED counting points. With every passion inside of my being, I HATED counting points. So, I read up on the core plan and immediately switched. And to my surprise, it worked. Like a charm in fact. I worked my way down to 156, my lowest since I started my adventures in dieting. And then it happened.
I Quit Smoking.
I gained 4lbs in a week. I was devastated. So, I forged ahead with the core plan, I began to run and was able to lose a few more. Then my weight began to yo yo like never before. I was frustrated, mad and hungry. So, I went back to the flex plan and still ate the core foods. Lost some, went back to just core and back up I went. So, I kind of gave up on ww and just started counting calories on sparkpeople. That sucked even more than flex, I think. Then one day I saw the Oprah show and was amazed by Dr. Oz. I could feel it in my bones that he was going to save me from my battles with the yo yo. I was stoked, I tried it, it worked. I got down to 143.4! That was short lived. Even though I felt amazing, my weight started to creep back up.
Throughout this journey, I made professions that I would just maintain for a while. I declared I had found the diet for me. Meanwhile, nothing really "worked". No matter what I tried, I still wanted chocolate cake, pizza and ice cream. So with the help of a dear friend, I realized that my focus was out of wack. I realized that no matter what the "diet" is, it isn't the solution. I have to change the way I see food. Food isn't bad, even if it is covered in chocolate. Food is for nurishment and even pleasure. But food isn't for soothing stress, anger or frustration. Eating chocolate because I feel fat surely isn't going to solve the problem.
So, I have delved into the world of intuitive eating. A world of eating only when you are hungry, stopping at satisfied, not feeling guilt and removing the "good" and "bad" labels from food. In this world, I must also give up the idea that there is no "on the wagon" or "off the wagon", it is a lifelong journey. This concept is a bit surreal to me. In the past five years, I haven't been able to eat chocolate, pizza or ice cream with out feeling guilt. Even if I was counting my points for it.
So, now, the question is:
Can I eat intuitively?
~c~
2 comments:
Hi, welcome to IE! I am really looking forward to reading your progress via your blog
Hey! I too am doing intuitive eating and blogging about it! I am so happy to have found your blog and am very similar to you that I was the skinny girl! I am about your height and your entry here describes me almost to a tee, especially the ww stuff.
I am looking forward to reading your blog. Here is a link to mine!
http://3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/etherence/
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