Yesterday, Mike told me that I looked skinny. Me. He said that to me. I went about my day floating on some sort of skinny girl cloud, a cloud I don't float on very often. I felt empowered by my new found way of life with IE. I kept looking at myself in the mirror, I didn't want to take the skinny outfit off, it was great.
So, this morning, still on my skinny cloud, I decided that I would weigh myself. I just knew it in my heart that I would be lighter than the last time I had weighed myself. That was March 29th. I wasn't elated by the number but I was satisfied. I thought to myself..OK...I can live with that, that is not a fat girl number. Today, I weighed in at 2.8 lbs more than that satisfying number.
I am crushed. I even cried in the shower. How is it that I was feeling better about my body than I had in years and all of a sudden I was back to square one? I still have the same body I had yesterday but now there is a forbidden number attached to it. And all of a sudden I am overwhelmed by feelings that I am doing something wrong and that I should start counting points or calories or something.
Clearly, there is still lots of work to be done. Accepting that this is a process not a get slim quick scheme is the first item on the agenda. This is NOT A DIET. I also need to learn to accept my body as it is and stop counting on the fact that I will get smaller. Because the truth is that I may not. I have been hovering around these same few pounds for a little more than a year now. This could be where my body feels comfortable. I am working on issues that I have never faced before. Like actually thinking about why eating chocolate chip cookies sounds better than feeling sad for those at VT. And why just feeling frustrated with my job and riding those feelings out is a healthier approach than stuffing myself silly with hummus and grapes.
This is a process and the scale has nothing to do with it.
So, this morning, still on my skinny cloud, I decided that I would weigh myself. I just knew it in my heart that I would be lighter than the last time I had weighed myself. That was March 29th. I wasn't elated by the number but I was satisfied. I thought to myself..OK...I can live with that, that is not a fat girl number. Today, I weighed in at 2.8 lbs more than that satisfying number.
I am crushed. I even cried in the shower. How is it that I was feeling better about my body than I had in years and all of a sudden I was back to square one? I still have the same body I had yesterday but now there is a forbidden number attached to it. And all of a sudden I am overwhelmed by feelings that I am doing something wrong and that I should start counting points or calories or something.
Clearly, there is still lots of work to be done. Accepting that this is a process not a get slim quick scheme is the first item on the agenda. This is NOT A DIET. I also need to learn to accept my body as it is and stop counting on the fact that I will get smaller. Because the truth is that I may not. I have been hovering around these same few pounds for a little more than a year now. This could be where my body feels comfortable. I am working on issues that I have never faced before. Like actually thinking about why eating chocolate chip cookies sounds better than feeling sad for those at VT. And why just feeling frustrated with my job and riding those feelings out is a healthier approach than stuffing myself silly with hummus and grapes.
This is a process and the scale has nothing to do with it.
3 comments:
Oh no! I have done this a few times now. Felt great, sure my tummy was flatter, felt more confident only to get on the scales and have it all deflated by the stupid numbers.
It is hard, this IE thing. I will tell you more about the weight gain I have had in the your Peaches and Cream post but next time Mike tells you tht you look skinny or you feel thinner go with it, enjoy the feeling don't feel you need to justify it by getting on the scales because SCALES LIE!
I hope your feeling better now. I think accepting yourself as you look right now makes life so much better.
-xox-
Been there, done that - threw the scales away.
It's about how you feel not what the scales say, about what you do not about how you look.
I generally ask myself if my brain is ready to accept the fact that I might weigh in heavier (if I do step on a pair of scales). If not, then I don't weigh! Intuitive weighing! LOL
This used to happen to me ALL the time. Every time I'd feel skinnier and I'd step on the scale, I'd inevitably be heavier than I anticipated. That's why I stopped weighing myself. The number is totally arbitrary, it means nothing. I know a girl who is my height and my weight and a LOT larger than I am. Why? We're all different. The number is arbitrary.
I agree with Leesha...scales totally lie.
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