Feeling better

I am feeling much better than I was the last time I posted. Today, I am feeling good about the choices I have been making and the things I have been doing. I have been eating foods that make my body feel it's best, I have been exercising regularly and I have been on one interview and have another scheduled in a couple of days. All of these things combined have made me feel better.

The feeling of wanting to go on a diet is pretty much gone. Last week, I made up my mind that I would start to loosely follow the principles of Dr. Oz again. I remember that when I followed his ideas, I felt like a million bucks. And I think that deciding to feel like a million bucks again can't be a bad thing. I am sure most of you are thinking that I have fallen off of my IE rocker but really I haven't. I think that feeding my body the foods that make me feel good on the inside and out is the right choice whether some guy has written a book about it or not. I am also taking a non diet approach.

You see, after my bought with the grease, sugar and lattes, I was feeling really terrible. No energy, lack of desire to do anything except sleep and eat and most of all, my clothes were getting tighter. No matter which way I looked at it, I didn't feel good. I had to do something. After a conversation with Monica, I realized that the all or nothing mentality was running wild in my brain again. I had made up my mind that I was going on a diet and that I wasn't going to allow myself this or that anymore. After we chatted, I knew that the all or nothing approach was not the right one. Baby steps.

So, I started cutting out the things that were making me feel terrible. I had been paying attention to how I was feeling after certain foods. I noticed that after eating a piece of lemon pound cake, I crashed a few hours later and headed straight for a sugar laden latte to bring me back up again. A viscous cycle. I also started to think about my cholesterol and my overall health. After much thought, I realized that I have done the work of making chocolate cake legal again. I am doing the emotional work that needs to be done (loving my therapist, btw). Now, I want to feel good again. I want my body to feel healthy and strong. I want to be healthy and so now, I am stepping into the world of gentle nutrition.

Now lets get back to that Dr. Oz thing. A number of people have mentioned that taking the information I learned when I was a "dieter" and turning it into useful information today is not a bad thing. As I mentioned before, when I followed the Dr. oz principles, I felt great and knowing that is my prize. I know what I need to do to make my body feel good but I don't have to be on a "diet" to do it. I can still eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I am in charge, not Dr. Oz and varying from his "rules" isn't the end of the world.

I was just telling Mike that I am feeling really great about my food and exercise choices over the past week or so. He responded by saying "even the pizza". Yep. Even the pizza because there are no rules.

I want to go on a diet

Things have been pretty bad lately with work, wellness and, of course, food. At work, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in the right place. I am in a situation of being belittled, I am often put in moral and ethical compromises and my personal space is often invaded. This all makes me really really sad. A year ago, you could not have convinced me that I would rather be a people greeter at Walmart than work here. Now, I cry before, during and after work many days a week. I have no way to go except out. I have been submitting my resume to every company in the metro Richmond area, it seems. I have gotten a few calls but it appears that benefits are out these days. I can't have that.

Dealing with this in addition to my other "crap" has led me down the path of not taking care of myself on any front, really. I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating well and I haven't been taking time out just for me. Ever since my doctor told me to go on the low fat diet, I have been eating horribly. Grease, Sugar and Lattes. That has been my motto for the past couple of weeks. I clearly have not been listening to my body; I have been listening to the food rebel.

As a result, I am gaining weight. I don't know how much because I haven't the heart to get on the scale. But I know it is going up because I have been buying some size 14 clothes again and if I do the math, I know what that means about "the number". This sends me into a frenzy, I want to go on a diet. I don't know which one but I know that I have the racing feeling inside that I must get the weight off. I am so worried that my wedding dress is going to be too small. I think I am also looking for some sense of control in this crazy world I am living in.

Being the logical person I am, I know that this isn't the right choice. I know that going on a diet will not solve any of my problems, in life or with food. If I go back to the diet/binge cycle, I am just going to undo all of the work I have done with IE. BUT, Holy mother of nature, I can't get fat again. I can't. Being fat again means so much in my mind. First and foremost that I am a failure with food to myself and to everyone around me. I don't know how I would even look at myself in the mirror. These feelings are scary and I am not sure how to deal with them.

I don't want to be fat.

Checking In

I just thought I would check in. Life has been busy and crazy these days but I am doing OK. I was at a conference for work last week and before that, I was of course prepping for it. I also had a physical, it was discovered that I have high cholesterol. I was told to go on a low fat diet and take meds. This had me really discouraged for a bit on the IE front, it felt like I was being punished for not being on a diet. I am doing better with it now but I seem to keep having "one last time" eating episodes. I guess it is going to be a new process for me. The meds are making my heartburn horrible. I think I am going to have to stop taking them, I have a call in to my doctor to figure it out.

On the therapy front, I have my first session this Wednesday. I am a bit nervous about it but the therapist and I seemed to really connect on the phone. I know that I am taking the right step, I just hope that I can find the right therapist and really get some of this emotional garbage out of the way. I will keep you all updated!

Therapy

After much consideration, I have decided that I need therapy. My brother passed away at the age of 25 almost 3 years ago and since then I have been considering it. Now that I am on this journey of IE, I have uncovered so much emotional garbage that I don't think I can go it alone anymore. I have come to so many realizations about myself and my eating but realizing it just isn't enough. I have to do something about it to. I always thought that only crazy people went to therapy, so it felt shameful to even think that I needed it. But being in this wonderful community of bloggers and other IE'ers has helped me realize that therapy is not just for crazy people. It is for people who are strong enough to know that life isn't easy and sometimes we can't go it alone.

Hello, my name is Christie and I can't do this without help.

Beef, it's what's for lunch.

Yesterday, after a year and half without beef, chicken or pork, I ate a cheeseburger for lunch. I have been craving meat for a really long time. I tried to convince myself that I really didn't need meat. No matter what I ate, the cravings did not go away. Finally, yesterday, I realized what was going on with me. Rewind a year and a half....

I decided to give up meat after pondering it for a couple of weeks. I convinced myself that it was for "health" reasons. I knew a few vegetarians, oddly enough, they were all very thin. Hmmmm. That makes ya wonder doesn't it. So, now lets fast forward back to a couple of months ago. I was reading the IE book and they mentioned that some people give up meat to lose weight under the umbrella of it being for health reasons. I had no idea that the book meant me. Until yesterday. The thought had crossed my mind on a number of occasions but I blew off those thoughts because I would have never been that desperate to lose weight. Or would I?

Yesterday, when I bit into that cheeseburger, I realized that I was, in fact, that desperate to lose weight. I can't describe the sense of relief that my body felt. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me, like I was done pretending. I felt enlightened; I was just ignoring what my body was telling me for "health" reasons. I had been trying to figure out for the past few weeks what forbidden food I had been forgetting about. Who would have thought, it was cheeseburgers?

Today, I feel like my list of forbidden foods is complete; slowly but surely I worked my way through it. I feel free to eat whatever in the h*ll I want.

Including the pepperoni and sausage pizza I had for dinner.

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny

Pink polka dot swim suit. Yep, I bought one of those this past weekend while on my mini vacation. And guess what, it was not a traumatic experience like I thought it would be. I took about 6 suits into the fitting room and chose the one that looked the best. This is the first bathing suit I have bought in probably 8 or 9 years. I never got into a swim suit when I was fat...ever. After years of trauma of trying on swim suits and not liking them, this time was different. Now granted, I will not be submitting photos to Sports Illustrated any time soon but I must say, I looked pretty good! Even though the tag said size 12 instead of 6.

Do you know that I even went on the beach wearing it? And I didn't feel like a beached whale and I didn't feel consumed by what others thought of me. I relaxed and hung out on the beach with Mike, like a normal person. I forgot how much I loved the beach until this past weekend. I am even looking forward to going back.

I imagine that 4 months ago, all of this would have turned out very differently, though the tag would have still read size 12. 4 months ago, I would have taken only black suits into the fitting room and I probably would have "settled" on the frumpiest one because it covered it all up. And I shudder to think of how I would have felt on the beach wearing it. You know, I really don't even know if I would have worn a bathing suit on the beach. I would have stuck to shorts and a t-shirt, I am sure.

All of this made me realize that even though I am having tough times, my anti diet lifestyle is making me love myself. I am losing my regard for what other people think of me and my own outlook is improving. Maybe size 12 isn't so bad after all.

Where have I been?

Since my last post, I haven't really felt compelled to write on my blog. Probably because after my last post, I have been having a daily battle with nutella and bread. Coming to terms with my past isn't easy. I haven't been sure where to turn. I can feel that the troubles of daily life are still just a mask for my deeper more hidden issues. And as a result, I haven't been eating for hunger, especially in the evenings. I have been cramming down the nutella and bread, my biggest forbidden foods, for comfort. On the bright side of that, at least I was aware of what I was doing and I never really had the feeling of being stuffed.

Each night, before my illicit affair with the nutella and bread, I have been sitting with my feelings. I haven't been able to identify them exactly. My feelings seem mixed up and chaotic, an odd mix of sadness, happiness, excitement and fear. A few times this past week, I felt rage and anger against this or that. At work, I have been having a horrendous time and last Friday I was almost to the point of walking out. Why? Because of what appears to be a complete lack of respect for me and my personal space from my boss. I wonder, does this fight for respect in my professional life have anything to do with the lack of respect I suffered as a child and teenager? Probably. I wonder, why can't I be one of those people that just let it slide? Why can't I be the one to just kill them with kindness? Grin and Bear it?

The good news is that my boss and I worked out our problems and came to some compromises about my complaints. I have a better overall feeling about working here and working for him. I hope that it does get better because I am not sure how I can go on dealing with all of this emotion at once. I want the healing of my heart and soul to begin. I think that I am on my way, I just have to work through it.

And one day, I will eat nutella and bread for breakfast because it sounds good.